Saturday


VERY FUNNY NEWS

We don't just report the news,
we make it up!

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Online since 2006


we, the peeps


Welcome to the new America
we, the people?


L.A. bans cars


In an effort to alleviate the worst traffic congestion in the nation, Los Angeles Mayor, Eric CarSeaty, today signed into law a ban on all cars on L.A.'s 400 square miles of freeways and streets. The "no car" law takes effect immediately and violators will be arrested and jailed.

Los Angeles has a horrific traffic problem, with drivers often sitting on L.A. freeways for hours and going nowhere. Commuter Jocko Strap says, "Sometimes an 8-mile drive takes an hour, due to traffic. That's 8 miles an hour. On the freeway. That sucks."

In a press conference held under the world-famous Hollywood Sign, Mayor CarSeaty said, "Cars are now banned in L.A. We have plenty of bicycle lanes and broken sidewalks. Use them".

The only exception to the "no car" law is limousines, which will continue to be allowed to carry the rich and famous to their desired destinations. Hollywood liberals support this exception. One 14-year-old multi-millionaire female Hollywood film star, Ima Bratt, said, "We shouldn't have to sit in traffic, in our chauffer-driven limousines, for hours. We are important people and have important places to go and important people to see. We are movie stars - and we don't want to sit in traffic!" Of course, at 14, she also can't drive yet.

California's extremist environmentalists also agree that cars need to be banned in California. In a statement by the state's Environmental Protesting Agency, Director M. Crazee stated, "Cars are ruining California. Cars - and drivers - cause global warming, air pollution, earthquakes, drought, poverty, obesity, human trafficking, and erectile dysfunction. The Los Angeles "no car" law is a good first step. Cars in California must be eliminated. Drivers must be punished."

In the first enforcement of the "no car" law, police arrested Manuel Transmission, for driving his 1986 Toyota Crapola on Hollywood Boulevard during rush hour. According to police, Mr. Transmission had no license, no registration, no address and spoke no English. His legal residency status was not questioned, as per local and federal law enforcement practices. His car was impounded and then immediately released under the imaginary Illegal Immigrants Rights Act. Manuel Transmission was later released, with sincere apologies from the L.A. city council for singling out illegal border crossers and being racist and anti-immigration.

L.A. plans to hire tens of thousands of new government workers to implement the "no car" law. A new local governmental agency has already been created. It is named the Department of Urban Motor Behavior (D.U.M.B.). In addition to their high salaries, D.U.M.B. workers, as part of their benefit package, will be chauffeured to and from work, at taxpayer expense, and thus will be exempt under the "no car" law.

As a result of the new "no car" law, millions of educated upscale Los Angeles residents are expected to flee California and relocate, with all their money, and their cars, to other states or other countries.


Netflix and chill


The term "Netflix and chill" is a teen code phrase for "let's meet and have sex". It means being intimate while Netflix is playing in the background. It means sex on the sofa. Teens invented the term to fool their parents as the teens "innocently" agree via text to watch Netflix and relax with a friend or partner, while actually inviting someone, or agreeing, to hook up and have sex. Netflix and chill.

I'm not a teenager. I'm an old guy. But I Netflix and chill every night. Literally. Every evening I watch a movie or TV show on Netflix, via my android tablet, and relax for an hour or two. I may not be "Netflixing and chilling" but I AM literally watching Netflix and chilling. That is for me, an old guy, sexy enough.


Friday


Cure For The Common Cold



(Washington) - Presidential front runner, Hillary Clinton, today announced that, if she is elected, she will reveal the cure for the common cold.

In a political speech, Hillary Clinton stated, "I'll do anything to get elected. I'll bribe babies, I'll promise free health care to all 300 million people in America, including illegal immigrants and domestic terrorists. I'll make campaign promises, promises I have no intentions of keeping, to anyone who votes for me! I'm a politician, that's what I do."

Hillary also promises to give us a cure for the common cold. "We politicians have had the cure for the common cold for decades. We just kept it a government secret. Now, if all you Democrats vote for me, and I get annointed, uh, I mean elected, as queen, uh, I mean president, then I'll reveal the cure for the common cold."

Washington politicans, indeed, may have been hiding the cure for the common cold. Think about it, when is the last time you saw a politician on TV coughing and sneezing with a cold? Never!

A spokesperson for the group, Americans Against Brain-Dead Politicians, stated, "Imagine that, the government hiding the cure for the common cold! We always thought politicians never caught a head cold because they were brain dead."


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright September 11, 2007, reprinted July 2016 Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Wednesday


Congress Considers Cell

Phone Etiquette Law




(Washington) - Due to millions of U.S. cell phone users who insensitively and inappropriately use their cell phones in public, to the detriment of society, the U.S. Congress is considering a Cell Phone Etiquette Law. The proposed law includes the following infractions and punishments ...

Infraction: talking loudly on a cell phone in a public place, disturbing and/or annoying those around you. Violators shall be punished by being forced to listen to 30 minutes of Tiny Tim's Greatest Hits.

Infraction: abruptly interrupting a face-to-face conversation to answer your cell phone. Violators shall be punished by immediately giving the other person all the cash in their wallet. If more than 1 person, i.e. a group, has been interrupted, all persons in the group shall split the cash equally.

Infraction: talking on a cell phone (or texting) while driving, thereby automatically not paying appropriate attention to the road, and thusly endangering other drivers. DWT (driving while talking or texting) shall be punishable by a $100 fine, a smack upside the head, and a 90-minute behavior and safety lecture by Kim Kardasian.

Infraction: annoying, cute or stupid ring tones. Shall be punishable by 24-hour suspension of cell phone service, including texting, and 3-months probation.

According to Washington insiders, 67% of U.S. adults over 21 favor the law while 98% of those between the ages of 8-21 oppose any restrictions whatsoever on obnoxious and annoying cell phone behavior.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Monday

Where's OUR Stimulus Money?

In 2009 the U.S. government passed a $787 billion stimulus plan. There is $700 billion left in the stimulus plan that has not yet been spent.

It’s a good idea for the government, instead of spending it, to give the remaining $700 billion back to the people. Here’s why …

There are 100 million households in the U.S. Doing the math, if the government gave the remaining $700 billion back to the people, YOU would get up to $7,000 … in cash.

Giving $7,000 to every household in America could be the quickest and best way to stimulate the economy. It could jumpstart consumer spending, which accounts for two-thirds of the total U.S. economy. It could create lots of new jobs, could raise more tax revenue for the government (more jobs, more income tax revenue for the government), and could be one of the smartest things, economically and politically, that Washington ever did for the American people!

Instead of the government spending the $700 billion, giving $7,000 to very American household could also produce a much needed boost in popularity for Obama, Congress could get a much needed boost in its favorability rating, and the Democratic Party could reaffirm and strengthen its current political power, both locally and nationally, and Democrats could avoid being voted out of power in the 2010 and 2012 elections.

President Obama and Congress should give the remaining $700 billion in the stimulus bill back to the people. The government should give every household in America $7,000. A good idea? A smart move? Oh, yes!

Would YOU like $7,000 in free cash?

What would YOU do with $7,000 in free cash?

How can you get your free $7,000 from the government? You’ll have to call or email your congressional representatives, and maybe the White House, and convince them to give the remaining stimulus money back to the people. But hurry, before they spend it all.




Not so funny, is it? What about us? Where's OUR stimulus money?



Sunday

Something For Nothing



"I want the government to provide me with everything - a house, a car, an education, health care and money - and I don't want to work for it and I don't want it to cost me anything"

Yeah, who wouldn't want that?

To want something for nothing is fantasy.
To expect something for nothing is naive.
To demand something for nothing is idiocy.
- Andrew Lawrence



Monday

New Weight Loss Diet Really Rocks!


Two American female journalists, caught illegally entering N. Korea from China, werre released Tuesday after spending 4 months in a N. Korean prison. Ex-president Bill "Horndog" Clinton obtained the journalists release and obtained another 15 minutes of adoration and hero worship from the media for himself.

One of the female journalists had grown much thinner during her arrest and imprisonment, due to the food provided by prison officials. Out of the arrest and imprisonment of this journalist comes a dramatic new weight loss diet and a sure-fire cure for obesity.

The thin journalist, in describing the prison food she was given, revealed that her unappetizing and meager meals also contained rocks. Apparently, as N. Korea has little food to feed its people, they use rocks as food filler. Rocks have no calories and no nutritional value. But eating rocks can fool the stomach into thinking it's full. Full of rocks.

Thus, a new weight loss diet is born, the new guaranteed-to-lose weight N. Korean Diet, also known as the Rock Diet. The N. Korean Rock Diet is the new rage among Hollywood stars and starlets. Heiress Paris Hilton assures us, "It's huge!" Some Hollywood celebrities claim that they have lost 20 pounds in 10 days on a diet of rice and rocks. The Obama administration is considering mandating the Rock Diet for all overweight Americans saying, "It'll be good for Americans to eat rocks. Plus, we can tax it!"

Meanwhile, North Korea reports that exports of rocks are booming and expects to benefit from the billions of dollars in additional exports as Americans jump on the N. Korean Diet and flock to eat rocks. And the diminutive and demented N. Korean dictator, Kim Jung ILL, has seen his lifelong dream come true; now he's a rock star! Literally.



Sunday

Hey Obama

Hey you liberals, and socialist idiots in Congress ...



It's not "Oui, the People".

This ain't France.