Friday


U.S. To Put Iraq Up

For Auction On Ebay




(Baghdad) - After a worthless, fruitless investment of hundreds of billions of dollars, and thousands of lives, and under pressure by the American public and the Democratic Party, the U.S. has finally decided to end the war in Iraq, get out, and wash its hands of the whole mess.

A White House spokesperson revealed that, to accomplish that goal as quickly as possible, the U.S. will put Iraq up for auction on Ebay.

Bidding will start at $9.99, with no reserve, and is open to all Ebay members, domestic and international. Winning bidder will be notified by email.

The winning bidder will receive the entire country of Iraq, including religious and tribal strife, Al Qaeda insurgents, civil war, a dysfunctional military, an impotent government, an uncommitted and lackadaisical civilian population, and interference by neighboring fundamentalist countries for the next 100 years.

For the Ebay auction, Iraq is being offered "as is". There are no returns, no refunds and no exchanges.

Possible bidders include Iran, Syria, Warren Buffett, Wal-Mart and Disney.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Thursday


U.S. To Offer Free

'Summer In Somalia'

Program




(Washington) - A new U.S. educational program was launched today, sponsored by the U.S. State Dept, offering a "Summer in Somalia" to any U.S. citizen who thinks that America sucks.

The program entails a 3-month summer stay in Somalia, living under native conditions. Under the program, any U.S. citizen who thinks America sucks can go to Somalia for the summer, live in a typical native sticks & straw hut and experience, first hand, the realities of starvation, extreme poverty, lack of sanitation, disease, political chaos, corruption, lawlessness and a complete lack of freedom.

In addition, as part of the daily dose of cultural reality, there is no internet access, no cell phone service, no TV, no electricity, no plumbing and no food.

On site free medical care wil be provided by Michael Moore.

A State Dept spokesperson, commenting on the Summer in Somalia program stated, "After a summer in Somalia, if they survive, any U.S. citizen who still wants to think America sucks will at least have something to compare it to."

The reality based Summer in Somalia program is free. It's open to any U.S. citizen who believes that the U.S. stinks, and is recommended for U.S. college students, university professors, ACLU members, Hollywood millionaires who hate capitalism, and limousine liberals.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Wednesday


Voters Elect Size 10 Shoe

To Local School Board



shoe runs for office, wins

(Los Angeles) - In a local election held last week to fill a vacancy on the Los Angeles school board, a size 10 shoe received the most votes and today was declared the winner of the election.

The politically moderate shoe received more than 14,000 write-in votes and soundly defeated the ultra-liberal candidate, Lotta Spending.

The shoe apparently echoed voter's frustration with the poor California school system, with the campaign slogan, "Education in Los Angeles is a tax-and-spend disaster. It's time to put our foot down".

The slogan of Miss Spending was, "Forget results, we're just going to spend more money".

When asked about running for a higher office in the future the victorious shoe replied, "I don't make long range plans. I'm a shoe; I take it one step at a time".

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Tuesday


U.S. Dept Of Energy

Produces No Energy




(Washingtom) - The U.S. Dept of Energy, in a congressional hearing on energy today, revealed that, in the current fiscal year, it produced no energy.

The Secretary of Energy went on to state, under oath, that, in the past 5 years, the U.S. Dept of Energy produced not one drop of oil, not one cubic foot of natural gas, not one watt of electricity, no windmills and zero solar power.

In fact, this is consistent with the department's results every year since its existence began in 1977.

A spokesperson for the Dept of Energy also stated, "We have no plans to produce any energy in the future either".

The U.S. Dept of Energy (DOE) is a cabinet level government agency with nearly 20,000 taxpayer funded employees, a taxpayer funded budget of $22 billion ... yet it produces no energy.

In the 1980's, the entire Dept of Energy was disbanded - done away with - by executive order of President Ronald Reagan. The Dept of Energy still exists, its bureaucracy and budget is bigger than ever, yet it still produces no energy.

Welcome to Washington.





NOTE: The U.S. Dept of Energy does not exist to actually produce energy. According to Wikipedia, among other things, "In the United States, all nuclear weapons deployed by the United States Department of Defense (DOD) are actually on loan to DOD from the DOE, which has federal responsibility for the design, testing and production of all nuclear weapons". (This is NOT made up. Nor is it very funny.)


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Saturday


Smoking, Not Money,

Is The Root Of All Evil




A new report by the American Anti-Smoking Crusade shows that smoking has surpassed money as the root of all evil.

Smoking has been linked to heart disease, lung disease, foot & mouth disease, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, teasing, drug addiction, prostitution, gambling, drinking, smuggling, and panhandling. Smoking is also known to occur directly after fornication.

According to the report, smoking is now considered to be the root cause of illegal immigration, air pollution, forest fires, littering, clogged sewers, recession, low gas mileage, corporate greed, adultery, divorce, teenage pregnancy, whining, obesity, anorexia and erectile dysfunction.

It is the leading cause of illiteracy and poverty and the deterioration of the American education system, K-12.

Smoking is also known to cause war, drought, famine, global warming and menopause (both male and female). Smoking is also a major factor in celebrity bad behavior and political corruption scandals.

In America, smoking has become a sin. In America, smoking in public is considered to be worse than pissing in public. Smoking may soon be banned everywhere throughout the country or at the very least punishable by stoning. In America, smokers have no rights and are heavily abused and heavily taxed by non-smokers.

In America, money is no longer the root of all evil. In America, the root of all evil is now smoking.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Friday


Real Estate Millionaire, 75,

To Wed 21-year-old Stripper




(Malibu) - In another example of older man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Will Grabbem, of Malibu, California, is set to wed 21-year-old Igot Implantz, of Santa Monica, next month.

Mr. Grabbem is a retired Malibu real estate investor and Ms Implantz is a former exotic dancer.

In an interview with VFN today, Grabbem stated, "It's a perfect match. I'm a rich dirty old man and she's a hot sexy young gold digger."

The couple has scheduled a 2-week honeymoon in Hawaii and say they plan on having lots of steamy sex. When the 75-year-old Grabbem was asked about the age difference, the danger of having lots of steamy sex, and the risk of death on the honeymoon, he grinned and shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Thursday

BREAKING NEWS


Congress Passes

Immigration Reform




(Washington) - Following on the heels of the monumental failure to pass any illegal immigration reform, Congress has now decided, instead, to rename the problem and make believe it doesn't exist.

Under the new guideline, the federal government and its agencies will stop using the term "illegal immigration" and start calling it "population migration".

A liberal Democrat spokesperson issued the statement, "That was easy. Now, illegal immigration no longer exists and, therefore, is no longer a problem for the United States. And, as a liberal Democrat, I am in favor of population migration".

In rebuttal, A spokesperson for the think tank, "Get Real, Washington", stated, "Call it whatever you want, it's still illegal immigration. And illegal immigration is still i-l-l-e-g-a-l. As for liberal Democrats, poverty and crime does not "migrate" to their high-rent neighborhoods!"

An un-named high ranking source in the Mexican government was quick to comment on the proposed change stating, "We want to thank Congress for once again doing nothing about illegal immigration into the United States. We like the new idea of calling it something else and pretending it no longer exists. That way, we can easily dump another 10 million of our poor, uneducated, undocumented "migrators" into the U.S."


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Wednesday


Sports Gene Found In Men



(Princeton) - Scientists at Princeton have discovered a new male gene that predisposes some men to have an avid interest in sports. The "sports" gene occurs most commonly in younger men, 18-39.

The new gene discovery may explain why many men are sports fanatics and why they forego many activities, such as shopping trips, lawn mowing and house repair, in favor of watching sports events on TV.

According to a spokesperson for the discovery, "The sports gene can cause men to become addicted to one, a few, or a number of sports. The gene may produce an avid interest in not only major sports, such as football, baseball, basketball, hockey or soccer but may also cause men to watch, with rapt attention, lesser active sports on TV such as golf, auto racing, tennis, poker and fishing".

The male sports gene has a number of drawbacks, and may cause men with the gene to override or procrastinate the undertaking of minor family duties, obligations and manly chores.

Scientists are working on a gene-splicing technique to convert the sports gene into a clean-out-the-garage gene.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Monday

BREAKING NEWS


Paris Hilton to become nun



(Los Angeles) - After a brief meeting with the pope, heiress Paris will shed her party girl image and become a nun.

She is a well known celebrity, model, TV star and ex-convict.

According to one of her spokespersons, "We think Sister Paris can become even more famous as a celebrity nun. It's a new image for her. Of course, she plans on appearing in public in a custom couture designer habit, possibly by Gucci."


She is awaiting a special psychiatric dispensation to forego the vows of poverty and chastity.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Saturday


Michael Moore Offers

Free Health Care




(Hollywood) - Putting his fame and money where his big mouth is, the radical Hollywood documentary maker of "Sicko", Michael Moore, has donated all the profits from the film to establish a free medical clinic for people without health insurance.

The free medical facility is in Beverley Hills and will be staffed by doctors from left-wing liberal universities, who will work for free.

According to Moore, "Everything will be free; free checkups, free medications, free surgeries. The only stipulations are that you have to be unemployed and you have to be poor. This ain't no HMO!"

Asked why he changed his hypocritical lying ways, Moore responded, "I had an epiphany. I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains and thought I was going to die. It was then that I realized what an a--hole I had been and that I should be grateful to the country and the system that made me rich and famous. I vowed that, if I lived, I would stop making up liberal lies, give away all my money, and actually help solve the problems and the injustices that exist in this great nation."

"I made millions making "mockumentaries" about things that are wrong about Amercia, never realizing that I was getting rich, famous and fat ... just like the people I mocked in the films I made."

A contrite Michael Moore pasted a smile on his fat face and added, "Oh, the chest pains? It was just gas."

Moore will also donate the profits of his next film to establish a free rehab center in Malibu. His next film is a pro-drug documentary called, "Pot Luck". The pirated version will be called, "Just Say Yes".


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.