Monday

Obesity Bailout

Taking the idea of being "too big to fail" to the extreme, obese Americans will be bailed out by the federal government. Named the Overweight Omnibus bill the new legislation will provide obese men and women in America with several government based programs including ...

Appetite Stimulus
According to Congressman, Dick "Fat Slob" Head, "It's not easy being fat. You gotta keep eating and you have to digest a lot of pork. We want to stimulate appetites and provide tons more government pork for the people. Taxpayers need more pork barrel legislation. Whether they want it or not."

Anti-exercise payment
You can't expect overweight Americans to exercise if they don't feel like losing weight so the bill also includes a $600 cash payment to every adult more than 60 pounds overweight who refuses to join a gym or a weight loss program. A spokesperson for the grass roots pro-obesity organization, "More Is Better", states, "Not exercising also saves energy. And burning calories is bad for the environment and contributes to global warming."

Chips & dips
The Obesity Omnibus bill will also provides unlimited free chips & dips to the overweight. This provision is also known as "redistribution of snacks", which takes excess chips & dips from thin people and gives them to overweight people.

The Overweight Omnibus bill is expected to pass both the House and Senate and will be signed by the president as soon as possible. Hopefully, by lunch time.