TECH NEWS

Cell Phone Implanted

In Teenager's Brain

(Tokyo) - A Tokyo teen is the first ever to receive a cell phone implant. A cell phone was implanted in 14-year-old Muchi Hai's brain, with tiny speakers connected to her ears and mouth. Now, she can make cell phone calls - via her "brain phone" - just by thinking about it.

The implanted cell phone is powered by her brain's electrical impulses. With the implanted cell phone she can make and receive calls, send and receive text messages, and her "brain" phone contains all the latest cell phone features.

Hai is now learning how to train her brain to make calls and download tunes. She says, "It's very cool and very strange. It is a little freaky when I get a call and it rings in my head. But I am now connected ALL the time and can use my brain to call all my friends and talk incessantly about stupid, unimportant teenage nonsense."

Being connected all the time by brain phone may have one downside however; her cell phone bill is expected to increase to over $12,000 a month.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

AUTO NEWS

New Hybrid Car

Powered By Pee

(Detroit) - A new American environmental vehicle manufacturer, the Pee-In-Me Car Company, has unveiled an environmentally friendly vehicle that can be powered by human urine.

Instead of the hated high priced gasoline the car is propelled by pee power.

The revolutionary new vehicle is called the, "yellow stream" and gets up to 75 miles per pint of pee. It's easy to fuel; men can just pee directly into the tank while women will have to learn how to pee standing up.

According to a review of the vehicle in Green Is Keen magazine, "This is a great new pee-powered fuel efficient vehicle for the environmentally conscious driver. The secret is drinking lots of liquids."

In the absence of urine, the vehicle also runs on polluted air or water, which is readily available everywhere.

The environmentally friendly and politically correct Yellow Stream is endorsed by the Sierra Club, the EPA and the ACLU ... and will cost approximately the same as a huge, gas guzzling SUV.

Want to piss on the Arab oil producers and the big oil companies? Get your Yellow Stream on the road.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

White House Leaks

Info On Blogs



(Washington) - An un-named White House staffer recently leaked information in an email to us naming blogs which are influencing the nation's power elite. Blogs are changing the way we gain information and are becoming more and more important and influential in formulating political, business, media and social policies.

In addition to the already well-known prominent blogs the recently leaked email cited a new blog, Very Funny News, and revealed that, "Everybody is talking about Very Funny News.

The leaked email reported the new blog is, "very creative, very well written and, above all, very funny. The guy who writes the blog must be a highly paid comedy writer or, if he isn't, he should be!"


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

(Washington) - The U.S. Congress is considering a new federal tax on sexual activity. The proposed controverial bill would levy a flat tax on each sexual occurance, per person.

Some of the activities and tax rates include:
foreplay: $2.69
intercourse: $10.99

Alternatively, taxpayers can opt for a volume discount, allowing unlimited sexual activity for a flat $100 per month per person.

Rebates will be issued for premature ejaculation and coitus interruptus.

Group sex will taxed per participant. Gay sex is not exempt (the gov't does not discriminate). Prostitution is likely to be legalized, as the government would like to get at all those previously untaxed earnings and extra tax dollars. Oral sex may become exempt as, according to ex-president Bill Clinton, oral sex is not sex.

The sex tax is expected to generate additional tax revenues of $500 billion annually, which will be spent on incredibly stupid and wasteful government programs and outrageous perks for high ranking government employees and their cronies.

In addition, the National Guard will be put under IRS jurisdiction and reassigned as sex police, for surveillance and monitoring of U.S. bedrooms, as well as parked cars with steamy windows.

A Democratic spokesperson, commenting on the proposed sex tax stated, "We need to spend more money. That's what government does. And to do that we need to have more tax dollars. Why not a sex tax? You play, you pay. That's the American way. If you don't want to be taxed on your sexual activity or, if you can't afford the tax, don't have sex. A sex tax is a small price to pay for having sex in America. Privacy issues? Personal freedoms? We're the government, we don't care."

One prominent taxpayer watchdog group, commenting on the proposed new tax on sex, states, "The government has always had its hand in the taxpayers' pocket. Now, it wants to have its hand in our pants!"

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Toilet Paper Law - A Wipe Out?



(Washington) - The Environmental Protection Agency, based on the utterings of pop music diva, Sheryl Crow, has issued new guidelines on the amount of toilet paper Americans may use. The new EPA law restricts toilet paper usage to 1 square per person per sitting ... except for those "pesky" trips to the bathroom.

The new law is strongly supported by other Hollywood environmental activists, who live in huge mansions (made from wood, which comes from cutting down TREES) and who ride around in gas guzzling limos (8-10 miles per gallon). As for actual use of toilet paper by celebrities, one Hollywood publicist stated, "The stars don't wipe themselves, they have people to do that for them."

Many American women are upset with the EPA 1-square regulations. A spokesperson for a prominent women's rights group says, "It's not fair to women. We need to use a lot of toilet paper. We like to wrap 20-30 sheets around our hand and wipe. We can go through a whole roll in one day!"

Lobbyists for the toilet paper industry say they plan on donating some more money to politicians ... and getting the new law "wiped" off the books.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

Wal-Mart Buys Mexico



(Mexico City) - Giant retailer, Wal-Mart, has acquired the country of Mexico for the retail price of $7.88 (80 pesos).

A Wal-Mart spokesperson issued a statement explaining why they bought Mexico, "We need more employees who don't care about health care benefits or pensions and we want to pay less than minimum wage. We also need more low income customers. Buying a country like Mexico serves our needs, is a good investment and a good business decision. Plus, it was cheap. We like cheap."

Mexico had no comment.

The U.S. Securities & Exchange Commission and the U.S. Justice Department say they have no problem with the acquisition and the Department of Homeland Security says, "That's good for Homeland Security. It resolves the issue of illegal immigration from Mexico. Now, it's Wal-Mart's problem."

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

U.S. To Acquire Canada




(Ottawa) - The United States has made an offer to buy its northern neighbor, Canada, for an undisclosed amount of American dollars.

According to a spokesperson for the U.S. State Dept, "The U.S. needs more room, what with all the illegal immigrants coming here. We already have 300+ million people living in the U.S. and we're running out of space; we need more real estate."

The Dept of Homeland Security released the statement, "The acquisition of Canada is good for our nation's security. If we absorbed Canada, we wouldn't have to bother with securing our northern border, as our northern border would be the Artic Ocean."

High-level government officals in Ottawa, the capital of Canada, could not be reached for comment, as they were all on vacation in California.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

Men Who Laugh Have

Bigger Penises

(Pasadena, CA) - A scientific study by the Johnson Institute, of Pasadena, CA, found that men who laugh have larger penises than those who have little or no sense of humor.

The Johnson study reveals that males over the age of 18 who have a sense of humor had an average penis length of 6 inches while males with little or no sense of humor had an average penis length of just under 5 inches.

Perhaps this is why women prefer a man with a sense of humor.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

U.S. to build moat across Mexican border

(Washington) - The U.S. has decided to build a moat across its southern border with Mexico.

The previous proposal for a fence was criticized - by everyone with common sense - as an expensive and stupid idea.

Faced with a fence, illegal border crossers could simply climb over it, make a hole in it or dig under it.

According to security pundits, a fence is not the best deterrent to those determined to trespass. Historians agree; a much better way to defend and protect property is a moat. Throughout history, a moat always worked better than a fence!

The U.S. moat will involve digging a trench across the southern border (California, Arizona, Texas). The moat will be 10 feet deep and about 1/2 mile wide. The moat will be built by the Army Corps of Engineers, using huge bulldozers, steam shovels, etc.

After the moat is dug, it will be filled with water from the Gulf of Mexico. The U.S. Navy will then take all the leftover mines from World War II and Vietnam and mine the moat.

After the moat is mined, The Department of Fish & Wildlife will add alligators. Lots of alligators.

According to a Homeland Security spokesperson, "98% of American citizens want illegal border crossing from Mexico stopped. A moat, filled with alligators, will do that."

The moat will also be stocked with fish, so that the alligators won't starve when the illegals stop trying to cross the border.

Politically, to appease extreme left wing liberals, environmentalists, and our friends and neighbors south of the border, the U.S. will call the moat an "irrigation, recycling and wildlife project".

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Dancing Girls

If people would donate a little cash I could hire some dancing girls part-time. This would create a more stimulating and creative atmosphere around here, which is absolutely necessary for creating very funny news stories.

Yeah, dancing girls should do nicely

If there are more very funny news stories, more people will be laughing. And if more people are laughing there will be fewer wars, less pollution, less poverty and more sex. Everyone will be in a better mood ... and the world will be a better place.

So, to help make the world a better place, open up your hearts, and your wallets, and help keep very funny news coming!

You may donate any amount you wish, just remember that dancing girls are expensive.

P.S. Our paypal account name will read: CoolTools.