Smoking, Not Money,

Is The Root Of All Evil



A new report by the American Anti-Smoking Crusade shows that smoking has surpassed money as the root of all evil.

Smoking has been linked to heart disease, lung disease, foot & mouth disease, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, teasing, drug addiction, prostitution, gambling, drinking, smuggling, and panhandling. Smoking is also known to occur directly after fornication.

According to the report, smoking is now considered to be the root cause of illegal immigration, air pollution, forest fires, littering, clogged sewers, recession, low gas mileage, corporate greed, adultery, divorce, teenage pregnancy, whining, obesity, anorexia and erectile dysfunction.

It is the leading cause of illiteracy and poverty and the deterioration of the American education system, K-12.

Smoking is also known to cause war, drought, famine, global warming and menopause (both male and female). Smoking is also a major factor in celebrity bad behavior and political corruption scandals.

In America, smoking has become a sin. In America, smoking in public is considered to be worse than pissing in public. Smoking may soon be banned everywhere throughout the country or at the very least punishable by stoning. In America, smokers have no rights and are heavily abused and heavily taxed by non-smokers.

In America, money is no longer the root of all evil. In America, the root of all evil is now smoking.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Real Estate Millionaire, 75,

To Wed 21-year-old Stripper



(Malibu) - In another example of older man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Will Grabbem, of Malibu, California, is set to wed 21-year-old Igot Implantz, of Santa Monica, next month.

Mr. Grabbem is a retired Malibu real estate investor and Ms Implantz is a former exotic dancer.

In an interview with VFN today, Grabbem stated, "It's a perfect match. I'm a rich dirty old man and she's a hot sexy young gold digger."

The couple has scheduled a 2-week honeymoon in Hawaii and say they plan on having lots of steamy sex. When the 75-year-old Grabbem was asked about the age difference, the danger of having lots of steamy sex, and the risk of death on the honeymoon, he grinned and shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

Congress Passes

Immigration Reform



(Washington) - Following on the heels of the monumental failure to pass any illegal immigration reform, Congress has now decided, instead, to rename the problem and make believe it doesn't exist.

Under the new guideline, the federal government and its agencies will stop using the term "illegal immigration" and start calling it "population migration".

A liberal Democrat spokesperson issued the statement, "That was easy. Now, illegal immigration no longer exists and, therefore, is no longer a problem for the United States. And, as a liberal Democrat, I am in favor of population migration".

In rebuttal, A spokesperson for the think tank, "Get Real, Washington", stated, "Call it whatever you want, it's still illegal immigration. And illegal immigration is still i-l-l-e-g-a-l. As for liberal Democrats, poverty and crime does not "migrate" to their high-rent neighborhoods!"

An un-named high ranking source in the Mexican government was quick to comment on the proposed change stating, "We want to thank Congress for once again doing nothing about illegal immigration into the United States. We like the new idea of calling it something else and pretending it no longer exists. That way, we can easily dump another 10 million of our poor, uneducated, undocumented "migrators" into the U.S."

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Sports Gene Found In Men



(Princeton) - Scientists at Princeton have discovered a new male gene that predisposes some men to have an avid interest in sports. The "sports" gene occurs most commonly in younger men, 18-39.

The new gene discovery may explain why many men are sports fanatics and why they forego many activities, such as shopping trips, lawn mowing and house repair, in favor of watching sports events on TV.

According to a spokesperson for the discovery, "The sports gene can cause men to become addicted to one, a few, or a number of sports. The gene may produce an avid interest in not only major sports, such as football, baseball, basketball, hockey or soccer but may also cause men to watch, with rapt attention, lesser active sports on TV such as golf, auto racing, tennis, poker and fishing".

The male sports gene has a number of drawbacks, and may cause men with the gene to override or procrastinate the undertaking of minor family duties, obligations and manly chores.

Scientists are working on a gene-splicing technique to convert the sports gene into a clean-out-the-garage gene.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

Paris Hilton to become nun



(Los Angeles) - After a brief meeting with the pope, heiress Paris will shed her party girl image and become a nun.

She is a well known celebrity, model, TV star and ex-convict.

According to one of her spokespersons, "We think Sister Paris can become even more famous as a celebrity nun. It's a new image for her. Of course, she plans on appearing in public in a custom couture designer habit, possibly by Gucci."

She is awaiting a special psychiatric dispensation to forego the vows of poverty and chastity.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

Michael Moore Offers

Free Health Care



(Hollywood) - Putting his fame and money where his big mouth is, the radical Hollywood documentary maker of "Sicko", Michael Moore, has donated all the profits from the film to establish a free medical clinic for people without health insurance.

The free medical facility is in Beverley Hills and will be staffed by doctors from left-wing liberal universities, who will work for free.

According to Moore, "Everything will be free; free checkups, free medications, free surgeries. The only stipulations are that you have to be unemployed and you have to be poor. This ain't no HMO!"

Asked why he changed his hypocritical lying ways, Moore responded, "I had an epiphany. I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains and thought I was going to die. It was then that I realized what an a--hole I had been and that I should be grateful to the country and the system that made me rich and famous. I vowed that, if I lived, I would stop making up liberal lies, give away all my money, and actually help solve the problems and the injustices that exist in this great nation."

"I made millions making "mockumentaries" about things that are wrong about Amercia, never realizing that I was getting rich, famous and fat ... just like the people I mocked in the films I made."

A contrite Michael Moore pasted a smile on his fat face and added, "Oh, the chest pains? It was just gas."

Moore will also donate the profits of his next film to establish a free rehab center in Malibu. His next film is a pro-drug documentary called, "Pot Luck". The pirated version will be called, "Just Say Yes".

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

NASCAR Fans Have Racy IQ'S



(Talladega, Alabama) - A study of NASCAR fans has found that those who attend NASCAR events have an average IQ higher than most college graduates.

According to the Einstein Institute, which did the study, it's a myth that the typical NASCAR fan is a redneck; a "good ole boy who drives a pickup truck with a gun rack mounted across the back window".

And many NASCAR fans are women. Educated women, with high IQ's, who just happen to have large perky breasts and wear tight tank tops and short shorts.

A spokesperson for NASCAR, commenting on the study, said, "We love our fans. We never realized how smart they were, maybe because so many are named Bubba or Barbie".

Upscale sponsors are also taking note and we may soon see NASCAR vehicles sporting, not beer or power tool logos, but logos of wineries, private banking firms and gourmet restaurants.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

Al Gore - A New Warning!



(Bangladesh) - Having milked the global warning issue for all it's worth, former Vice President Al Gore is turning his attention to another issue threatening the planet. Global obesity.

According to Gore, "The industrialized nations must cut down on eating food. People in poor countries are starving while the people in developed countries are gaining more and more weight. It's not fair, it's not politically correct, and it's not left wing liberal". He went on to say, "Too many heavy people in America and Europe will cause the Earth to wobble. This is a danger to the whole planet. We must reduce our caloric footprint ... before it's too late!"

Mr. Gore made these comments while on his way to Paris, via private jet, to attend a dinner in his honor at a fancy French restaurant.


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

TV Networks to Reduce

Broadcast Hours



(New York) - The major 24-hour cable TV news networks have bowed to public pressure to stop reporting unimportant, non-national news stories. According to viewers, just because there is a picture or a video of an event, or a reporter nearby, doesn't mean an event is newsworthy or that viewers around the country and around the world want to see it.

Such non-newsworthy stories include: local traffic accidents, local homicides, and Amber Alerts for missing kids in places like Bumfork, Iowa (it's not likely that the kid will be spotted thousands of miles away in Miami or New York).

News networks will also clearly separate news stories from entertainment stories. Stories about cute animals, and celebrities in trouble with the law, will remain as news.

As a result of eliminating non-important, non-relevant, non-national, non-world shattering news stories, the major cable TV networks will reduce hours of broadcasting; from the current 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to 15 minutes daily.

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.

BREAKING NEWS

L.A. To Open New Jail -

For Celebrities Only



(Los Angeles) - In response to the public uproar over celebrities getting special treatment when they run afoul of the law, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department will open a new upscale jail to house celebrity convicts.

The jail is nestled in the heart of trendy upscale Beverly HIlls, centrally located for Hollywood celebs and soon-to-be celebrity ex-cons. The jail will have all the amenties of a resort hotel and will feature large, comfy, designer decorated "incarceration suites". Each suite will contain computers with high speed internet access, free cell phones and big sceen TV. The jail will provide inmates with a "gourmet dining experience", with menus created by Wolfgang Puck, an indoor pool and spa, adjacent 9-hole golf course and, of course, late night party rooms.

Other features include valet parking, unlimited visiting hours and unlimited conjugal visits from groupies, boy toys and adoring fans.

In addition, plastic surgery and teeth whitening will also be available to inmates.

The taxpayer cost for housing a celebrity inmate in this facility is $28,000 a day.

According to a sheriff spokesperson, "Now, the public can be satisfied that celebrities who break the law and get convicted will be sent to jail, just like everybody else. And, with the opening of this new incarceration facility, the rich and famous won't mind being sent to jail here. Everybody wins."


DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.