Very Funny News

2009-08-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

VERY FUNNY NEWS

We don't just report the

news, we make it up!

news stories are listed in right sidebar

Today's Newsmaker

Hey, Where's OUR
Stimulus Money?

click the pic

MORE STUFF BELOW ...

What every American needs ... click here

Where's OUR Stimulus Money?

2009-08-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

In 2009 the U.S. government passed a $787 billion stimulus plan. There is $700 billion left in the stimulus plan that has not yet been spent.

It’s a good idea for the government, instead of spending it, to give the remaining $700 billion back to the people. Here’s why …

There are 100 million households in the U.S. Doing the math, if the government gave the remaining $700 billion back to the people, YOU would get up to $7,000 … in cash.

Giving $7,000 to every household in America could be the quickest and best way to stimulate the economy. It could jumpstart consumer spending, which accounts for two-thirds of the total U.S. economy. It could create lots of new jobs, could raise more tax revenue for the government (more jobs, more income tax revenue for the government), and could be one of the smartest things, economically and politically, that Washington ever did for the American people!

Instead of the government spending the $700 billion, giving $7,000 to very American household could also produce a much needed boost in popularity for Obama, Congress could get a much needed boost in its favorability rating, and the Democratic Party could reaffirm and strengthen its current political power, both locally and nationally, and Democrats could avoid being voted out of power in the 2010 and 2012 elections.

President Obama and Congress should give the remaining $700 billion in the stimulus bill back to the people. The government should give every household in America $7,000. A good idea? A smart move? Oh, yes!

Would YOU like $7,000 in free cash?

What would YOU do with $7,000 in free cash?

How can you get your free $7,000 from the government? You’ll have to call or email your congressional representatives, and maybe the White House, and convince them to give the remaining stimulus money back to the people. But hurry, before they spend it all.

Not so funny, is it? What about us? Where's OUR stimulus money?

Something For Nothing

2009-08-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

"I want the government to provide me with everything - a house, a car, an education, health care and money - and I don't want it to cost me anything"

Yeah, who wouldn't want that?

To want something for nothing is fantasy.
To expect something for nothing is naive.
To demand something for nothing is idiocy.
- Andrew Lawrence

New Weight Loss Diet Really Rocks!

2009-08-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

Two American female journalists, caught illegally entering N. Korea from China, werre released Tuesday after spending 4 months in a N. Korean prison. Ex-president Bill "Horndog" Clinton obtained the journalists release and obtained another 15 minutes of adoration and hero worship from the media for himself.

One of the female journalists had grown much thinner during her arrest and imprisonment, due to the food provided by prison officials. Out of the arrest and imprisonment of this journalist comes a dramatic new weight loss diet and a sure-fire cure for obesity.

The thin journalist, in describing the prison food she was given, revealed that her unappetizing and meager meals also contained rocks. Apparently, as N. Korea has little food to feed its people, they use rocks as food filler. Rocks have no calories and no nutritional value. But eating rocks can fool the stomach into thinking it's full. Full of rocks.

Thus, a new weight loss diet is born, the new guaranteed-to-lose weight N. Korean Diet, also known as the Rock Diet. The N. Korean Rock Diet is the new rage among Hollywood stars and starlets. Heiress Paris Hilton assures us, "It's huge!" Some Hollywood celebrities claim that they have lost 20 pounds in 10 days on a diet of rice and rocks. The Obama administration is considering mandating the Rock Diet for all overweight Americans saying, "It'll be good for Americans to eat rocks. Plus, we can tax it!"

Meanwhile, North Korea reports that exports of rocks are booming and expects to benefit from the billions of dollars in additional exports as Americans jump on the N. Korean Diet and flock to eat rocks. And the diminutive and demented N. Korean dictator, Kim Jung ILL, has seen his lifelong dream come true; now he's a rock star! Literally.

Hey Obama

2009-08-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

Hey Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the rest of you socialist idiots in Congress ...

It's not "Oui, the People".

This ain't France.

Obama Strikes Again

2009-06-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

Obama To Close Atlantic
And Pacific Oceans?

In an effort to exert total control over all aspects of American life, high ranking far-left liberal members of the Obama administration and Congress are rumored to be holding secret talks among themselves regarding closing the oceans bordering the U.S., i.e. the Atlantic Ocean and the Pacific Ocean.

Secret political discussions are reported to be under way, often held on private government jets, as to viable reasons far-left politicians might put forth to convince the American public that closing the oceans would be a good thing for the country and a good thing for U.S. residents, legal and otherwise. Possible political reasons under consideration by the government to close the oceans include …

“Extreme liberal environmental scientists say that closing the oceans will help reduce global warming.”

“The oceans bordering America need to be protected from man-made pollution, including peeing in the ocean.”

“Oceans cost too much to maintain.”

“The oceans are deep and thus pose a potential drowning hazard for every minority who can’t swim.”

“The oceans are a playground for the rich, with their fancy, huge, million-dollar yachts, and the rich need to be punished.”

“Closing the oceans would protect the taxpayer. There are sharks in those waters, sharks which can eat taxpayers who swim in the ocean, and we need all the taxpayers we can get.”

Closing America’s 2 oceans. Ridiculous? Far-fetched? Under the Obama administration and its socialist agenda nothing is too ridiculous or far-fetched!

Andrew Lawrence is the author of 5 books including “Glimmers Of Hope”, a forecast of the future; now to 2020, which is available nationwide at Amazon.com

People's Poll

2009-06-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

Our very own People's Poll. Vote now!

Obesity Bailout

2009-03-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

Taking the idea of being "too big to fail" to the extreme, obese Americans will be bailed out by the Obama administration. Named the Overweight Omnibus bill the new legislation will provide obese men and women in America with several government based programs including ...

Appetite Stimulus
According to Congressman, Barney "Fat Slob" Frank, " it's not easy being fat. You gotta keep eating and you have to digest a lot of pork. We want to stimulate appetites and provide tons more pork for the people. Whether they want it or not."

Anti-exercise payment
You can't expect overweight Americans to exercise if they don't feel like losing weight so the bill also includes a $600 cash payment to every adult more than 60 pounds overweight who refuses to join a gym or a weight loss program. A spokesperson for the grass roots pro-obesity organization, "More Is Better", states, "Not exercising also saves energy. Ours. And burning calories is bad for the environment and contributes to global warming."

Chips & dips
The Obesity Omnibus bill will also provides unlimited free chips & dips to the overweight. This provision is also known as "redistribution of snacks", which takes excess chips & dips from thin people and gives them to the overweight.

The Overweight Omnibus bill is expected to pass both the House and Senate and will be signed by the president as soon as possible. Hopefully, by lunch time.

Wall St witch hunt

2009-03-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

The very Washington politicians who caused the mortgage mess (Barney Frank, Chris Dodd) are calling for the heads of those who l-e-g-a-l-l-y got a bonus for cleaning up the mortgage mess at AIG. Frank and Dodd want to grab back the bonuses legally owed in the private sector.

How about we hold Barney Frank and Chris Dodd accountable for making the mess in the first place? How about Barney Frank and Chris Dodd resigning? How about THEY give back THEIR l-e-g-a-l special interest group campaign contributions?

Now, THAT's a worthy witch hunt.

Now, THAT's change we can believe in!

How To Be A Politician

2009-02-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

How To Be A Politician

The top 5 things you need to know and do
Be a politician. It beats working for a living. As a politician you’ll have power, prestige and popularity. You’ll also have the favorability rating of a snake oil salesman but who cares - it’s all about power, prestige and popularity. It’s all about YOU.

If you want to be a successful politician here are the top 5 things you need to know and do …

Get elected
If you want to get elected you have to say, or do, whatever it takes. It helps to disregard the facts, disregard the truth, disregard right and wrong, disregard what’s good for the people you represent … and lie, lie, lie. Lying is what works. Lying is what gets you elected. And re-elected. A successful politician is a successful liar.

Be a whore
As a politician your job is not to help the little people, your job is to help your large campaign contributors get whatever they want. These large contributors may include real estate developers, unions, trial lawyers, banks, oil companies, extreme environmentalists and other special interest groups that fill your campaign coffers with cash, lots of cash. You do not work for the people, you work for the special interest groups and, like a whore, you do whatever they want you to do. And make sure to always spin your special interest favoritism and boondoggling as “a great benefit to the public”.

Spend, spend, spend
Always remember that, as a politician, you are not spending your own money you are spending the taxpayers’ money. And, since you are representing the special interests and not the taxpayers’ interests, feel free to spend, spend, spend. And make sure you waste millions (or billions) of dollars on projects that do nothing for the general public or the taxpaying voters you are sworn to represent. Spend wildly on expanding the government, spend wildly on projects that benefit the few not the many. And, if you run out of money to spend, raise taxes so you can keep on spending. The voting public is dumb, they’ll never catch on, they’ll never stop you so spend, spend, spend. And, no matter what, keep on spending!

You are above the law
As a politician, rules and laws and morality do not apply to you. As a politician, feel free to do whatever you want; hire hookers, have affairs, hire a car and driver at taxpayers’ expense, go on expensive junkets at taxpayers’ expense, take bribes, drive drunk, cheat on your taxes and behave as badly as you wish. Not to worry, no matter what sins and crimes you commit, you won’t go to jail and you won’t lose your incredibly generous government pension and benefits. Remember, as a politician you are above the law. You don’t have to follow the laws… you MAKE the laws!

Be a chameleon
As a successful politician you have to be ready to change your mind at the drop of a hat, depending on which way the wind blows. As a politician you need only pay attention to the polls and, whatever viewpoint is winning in the polls, start spouting that viewpoint ASAP. Then go and do whatever you want. Never listen to others, never listen to what the voters want, never listen to your conscience (if you even have a conscience), and never listen to your heart (if you even have a heart). Never admit when you’re wrong and never let doing the right thing get in the way of playing politics.

Let’s recap, because everyone knows that politicians have a short attention span …

1. Get elected
2. Be a whore
3. Spend, spend, spend
4. You are above the law
5. Be a chameleon

These are the top 5 sure-fire things you need to know and do to be a successful politician, to get elected and re-elected. Being a politician is not a job, it’s a calling. As a politician you don’t have to live by the rules, you don’t have to live in reality or pay attention to reality, because, as a politician, you get to create your own reality, your own world, according to YOUR needs and desires … and then you get to force everyone to live there.

Being a politician is a great life. Sell out today and become a politician!

Change We Can Believe In

2008-08-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama is right. America needs change. Change we can believe in.

Once upon a time, America was a great and kind nation, the modern day Promised Land, whose streets were paved with gold and whose coins were made of precious metals. Today, America's streets are paved with tar and its coins are made of scrap metal. Once upon a time in America, pocket change was made of gold and silver. No more.

Gone are the days when American pocket change was really worth something ...

America once had a $20 gold piece. Made of gold. America once had dollars made of silver, a silver dollar could buy 3 gallons of gas or 4 packs of cigarettes or a quart or two of beer or a couple of loaves of bread or 6 McDonald hamburgers. Once, Americans carried 50-cent pieces (half-dollars) made of silver, that were so weighty and so big they would tear a hole in your trouser pocket or weigh down your purse. Once, America was the land of the 25-cent piece (quarter), made of silver and alloys, and that quarter could buy 2 Cokes or 5 packs of gum or get you into a Saturday matinee at the movies (2 movies and a cartoon). Once, America had a dime (10 cents), made out of silver and alloys, which could buy lots of penny candy or a Coke or a candy bar or a comic book. Once upon a time, America had a nickel (5 cents) made of copper and nickel, a nickel that could actually buy something useful or fun. And, last but not least, once upon a time America had a beloved penny made of copper, a penny which could actually buy something instead of only being used to pay some of the sales tax on what you buy.

Once upon a time, long before Barack Obama ran for president in 2008 with a campaign slogan of "change we can believe in", America HAD change we could believe in. In our pockets. Pocket change. Pocket change made of precious metals. Pocket change that was worth something. THAT'S the kind of change we can believe in!

Andrew Lawrence is the author of "MONEY - The Basics", the most valuable book you'll ever read. Read an excerpt at MoneyTheBasics.com

Wanna Lose Weight?

2008-06-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

Wanna Lose 10 lbs in 10 days?
Try The Bronchitis Diet

Quite by accident, I recently discovered an incredible, easy way to lose weight ... and lost 10 lbs in 10 days! And I'm going to tell you how I did it. And it won't cost you a dime!

First, I caught a cold. A bad cold. My resistance was low due to a medical procedure I had the week before so I could not fight off the cold as I am normally able to do. But having a bad cold is not what made me lose 10 lbs in 10 days.

What made me lose 10 lbs in 10 days?

As the cold kept getting worse, by the second week I has developed a horrible non-stop cough and I knew I wasn't getting better and thought maybe the bad cold was developing into pneumonia. I went to the hospital emergency room for a chest x-ray to see if I had pneumonia. They took an x-ray and said I did not have pneumonia. The doctor said I had bronchitis.

Bronchitis made me lose 10 lbs in 10 days. Bronchitis is an inflammation or infection of the airway passages leading into the lungs. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics, a decongestant and a nasal spray.

I was very sick with bronchitis for the entire week before I went to the ER. I had no appetite and no energy to eat. And, thanks to bronchitis, I lost 10 lbs in 10 days! Everyone who hadn't seen me for awhile asked me if I had lost weight amd many people commented on how much thinner I looked. I told them I was on the Bronchitis Weight Loss Diet.

There you have it. The Bronchitis Weight Loss Diet. If you want to lose up to 10 lbs in 10 days just go catch bronchitis. You'll be too sick to eat! And, if you want to continue to lose up to 10 lbs every 10 days, don't go to the doctor and don't treat your bronchitis. You might end up with pneumonia, or you might end up dead, but you'll sure as hell be thinner!

How do you catch bronchitis? It's easy. Bronchitis, like the common cold, is contagious so just go find someone who has bronchitis and have them cough in your face.

The Bronchitis Weight Loss Diet. Fast. Free. Fabulous.

All World Problems Caused By Smoking

2008-06-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

According to university scientists throughout the world, cigarette smoking is the chief cause of every major problem on the planet. Smoking is now scientifically linked to all the following ...

global warming

global cooling

poverty

disease

starvation

drought

floods

earthquakes

hurricanes

tornadoes

wildfires

genocide

rudeness

ignorance

illegal immigration

recession

high gas prices

high food prices

drug addiction

greed

obesity

and erectile dysfunction

All caused by smoking.

The scientific data for the premise that the world's problems are caused by smoking was derived from the fact that, whenever and wherever on earth any serious medical, economic or social problem exists, cigarette smoking, or second hand smoke, occurred within 10,000 miles of the problem.

There you go. Bogus science. Bogus science at its best.

World Health Organization Urges Ban On Cigarette Advertising

2008-06-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

Thw World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is urging all nations to participate in a worldwide ban on all cigarette advertising. W.H.O. urges nations to ban cigarette advertising as a health issue, to prevent the world's youth from being attracted to cigarette smoking.

Hello, W.H.O.! The world's children are dying of starvation, drought, natural disasters, diseases, poor sanitation, poor birthing methods, poverty, AIDS, and many other critical and common causes of death. Not cigarette smoking.

The World Health Organization wants to ban cigarette advertising? Get real! Compared to all the other health risks in third-world countries cigarette smoking is hardly a biggie. Plus, poor people in developing nations and third-world inhabitants often do not have enough money to buy food ... how are they going to buy cigarettes???

W.H.O. is urging a worldwide ban on cigarette advertising. Obviously, there are some anti-smoking zealots at the World Health Organization with too much funding and not enough to do.

And are U.S. taxpayers paying for this b.s.? Yep. Along with the other 192 member nations.

Universal Studio Pollutes Air

2008-05-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2008 Los Angeles - A large smoky fire on the back lot of famed Universal Studios today heavily polluted the air in Los Angeles' nearby San Fernando Valley, bring stinging criticism from extreme environmentalists throughout California.

One member of the group, "If It's Green, It's Clean" stated, "How could Universal let this happen? The huge smoky fire not only violates the EPA Clean Air Standards of California but makes it hard for birds, insects and animals to breathe and to see where they are going. Shame."

A spokesperson for the Los Angeles chapter of "Places Without People" commented, "See. Today's fire is another good reason we don't want people in California and another good reason to regulate all the dirty people who are already here, polluting the environment and displacing animals with their dirty stinking cars and their dirty stinking buildings. Los Angeles was a better place hundreds of years ago when it was owned by Mexico. And before that when it was inhabited only by native Americans. Los Angeles has been ruined by white people, excluding Democrats, and white people, excluding Democrats, should pay for ruining it."

The fire was contained and no threat to the immediate area's human population, consisting mainly of wealthy Hollywood liberals in their multi-million dollar homes.

Meanwhile, in spite of the fire, the Universal Theme Park opened for business as usual, albeit late, and the Universal Studio Tour and all the rides and restaurants were eagerly awaiting the normal Sunday hordes of money-spewing tourists. Officials at Universal said that since the fire was an unplanned event tourists would not be charged extra for the pyrotechnic event and its spectacular visual special effects. Consider it a freebie.

However, tomorrow, prices for all Hollywood movie, TV and music products worldwide are expected to be dramatically increased to cover the cost of rebuilding Universal's back lot. A spokesperson for the Coalition of Hollywood Liberals stated, "It's only fair. Hollywood doesn't pay, we always make the public pay. That's show biz."

And, as we all know, there's no business like show business.

Susan Sarandon To Leave U.S.

2008-05-29T17:27:00.000-07:00

Susan Sarandon, actress and Hollywood radical liberal activist, vows that if John McCain is elected president in 2008 she would move to Canada or Italy.

We say, leave NOW, avoid the rush.

During her comments, Sarandon said nothing about how grateful she was to live in the U.S. and how, only in America, could an aging actress earn the kind of money she's made, while frequently shooting off her big anti-American mouth.

But then again, Hollywood liberals never realize how grateful they should be for what they have - and that what they have is due solely because of living in America.

Maybe they should try being movie star celebrity liberals in Iran, see how they like it.

Sharon Stone Quaky Karma

2008-05-27T06:53:00.000-07:00

OK, sometimes reality is funnier than anything you can make up. That's why we are reprinting the following news story exactly as it appeared on FoxNews ...

Actress Sharon Stone, known for her off-the-wall comments, is at it again — this time saying the devastating earthquake in China might have been "karma" for the Communist nation's treatment of Tibet and the Dalai Lama.

During a red-carpet interview at the Cannes Film Festival Thursday, Stone said she'd been torn about what to do for the victims of the earthquake in China, whose staggering death toll has been steadily climbing and could surpass 80,000, because she doesn't agree with the country's policies.

"I’m not happy about the way that the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else," she told reporters at Cannes. "And so I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do because I don't like that."

She said she's also been wondering how the United States should handle the Olympics because China is "not being nice to the Dalai Lama, who's a good friend of mine."

When the earthquake hit, Stone wondered if it was a case of what goes around, comes around.

"Then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice, that the bad things happen to you?" said the 50-year-old star.

But the "Basic Instinct" actress had a change of heart when she got a letter from the Tibetan Foundation saying the organization wanted to be helpful to the quake victims. Stone was humbled.

"That made me cry," she said. "Sometimes you have to learn to put your head down and be of service, even to people who aren't nice to you. That's a big lesson for me."

OUR COMMENTS:

Perfect. That's one Hollywood liberal who got humiliated and humbled. One down, 99,999 to go.

"Sometimes if you let people talk long enough they reveal how stupid they really are"

"Sharon, do the personality traits ego-centric, narcissistic, and self-important mean anything to you?"

The Solution To High Gas Prices

2008-05-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

The solution to high U.S. gas prices and the dependence on foreign oil is simple. We Americans need to use less energy, less gasoline. We Americans need to drive more efficient cars which get better gas mileage and use less fuel. This is beneficial to your wallet and to the environment.

The solution to high U.S. gas prices is … golf carts.

How it works
Congress simply outlaws all gas guzzling SUV’s and all other passenger vehicles which do not get at least 50 miles to the gallon. Congress then mandates the gasoline or electric powered golf cart as the only legal private passenger vehicle in the U.S., with the exception of motorcycles and motorbikes. Detroit auto makers can begin making golf carts, in the price range of $7,000-$12,000, instead of SUV’s in the price range of $50,000-$75,000. Foreign luxury auto makers can do the same, in the price range of $15,000-$25,000. What rich guy or gal wouldn’t want to drive a Mercedes or BMW golf cart, with leather interior and a 12-speaker Bose audio system, and get 50-60 miles to the gallon? And, for soccer moms larger double-length or triple-length golf carts would replace SUV‘s and mini-vans.

Benefits
The national speed limit would be reduced to 20 mph. Traffic deaths would plummet. Drunk drivers, instead of killing people, would bounce harmlessly off whatever they run into. Teenage drivers would not be a vehicular accident danger to others or themselves. Little old ladies in Florida could drive as slow as 15 mph and not trigger road rage. At a top speed of 20 mph reading, eating, putting on makeup and sex while driving would be safer. And cell phone use and texting while driving would no longer be a hazard. Everyone would slow down and have less stress. And save lots of money on gas.

The golf cart is the solution to America’s high gas prices and dependence on foreign oil. The golf cart solution is also a good way to appease the thousands of energy environmentalist liberal extremist nutcases in the U.S. … and shut them up once and for all. The millions of NASCAR fans, however, will hate it.

copyright 2008 all rights reserved

Bored To Death

2008-05-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Boredom can be boring. Boredom can also be dangerous. Too much boredom, extended boredom, can lead to depression, isolation, physical ailments, weight gain, weight loss, loss of libido, drug and alcohol abuse and even suicide.

How can you prevent boredom?
You can’t. Everyone will occasionally find themselves with nothing to do. That’s normal. Usually, it passes. Something comes along that takes away the boredom. If that does not happen, and you find yourself serious bored for an extended period of time, i.e. more than several days in a row, then it's time to fight boredom.

How can you fight boredom?

1. First, try not to become too bored for too long.

2. If boredom does set in, and lingers for more than a few days, find something to do. Find an activity that appeals to you … and do it. If you have to, force yourself to become active and involved in an activity that appeals to you.

3. In the absence of an activity that appeals to you, any activity that gets you moving, and gets your mind off your self, is valuable in fighting boredom. Just do something. Take a walk, take a drive, whatever. Just get off the couch, get out of bed and m-o-v-e. If you have to, force yourself.

4. Make sure that, in fighting boredom, whatever activity you become involved in is good for you. If it’s not good for you do not do it! (and, yes, if you listen to the little voice in your head you'll know what‘s good for you and what's not good for you).

The objective in fighting boredom is to overcome the inertia of boredom.

Being productive
The real value of work is not only is it a way to make a living it also gives you something to do that keeps you busy so you don't have time to negatively dwell on yourself. This is one of the reasons so many people have difficulty when they retire; they suddenly find themselves with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Many retired people don't plan ahead for their retirement. They do not replace the structure and productivity of working with retirement activities such as hobbies, a new career or activities that provide involvement, purpose and satisfaction in being alive. Once a retired person decompresses from a lifetime of working it is important to continue to feel productive, connected and to be of service to others. Individuals who have a purpose, who are involved in things they are interested in or passionate about, are seldom bored for long.

Avoiding boredom
The best way to avoid being bored to death is to find something you are interested in ... and do it!

It's also important to have a good positive outlook and a purpose in life. It's important to have a good reason to get out of bed in the morning. Are you bored? Do you have that "boxed in" feeling? The world is not a box. The world is an enormous, interesting, wondrous, ever-changing place, full of interesting people and things, things you never imagined existed. Interesting, fascinating things just waiting for YOU. Leave your boredom behind and go find one of them!

Andrew Lawrence is the creator of the Life Purpose Program, the popular 30 minute program which reveals your unique and special purpose in life. http://lifepurpose.0catch.com

Replace All Politicians

2008-05-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

Replace All Politicians With Hookers

OK, we all know that politicians are whores. Politicians will do whatever the special interests want as long as the special interest lobbyists make campaign contributions and give other incentives to politicians. And the people are left out of the process altogether. The people no longer have a voice in their government, no longer have a voice in the decision and lawmaking process, have to wait 4-6 years to vote their displeasure, and end up participating in the same rigged game ... voting for 1 of 2 equally bad candidates.

The solution? Let's replace all politicians with hookers.

How it works
If hookers ran the government you could just tell them what you want and they would tell you how much it costs. So, if you wanted let's say, universal health care, your elected hooker would tell you that universal health care will cost you $6,500 a year. Then, if you decide that's what you want, and are willing to pay the price, you would get exactly what you paid for. If, on the other hand, you decide that, after getting the price, you don't want universal health care, or didn't want to pay the price, you wouldn't get universal health care.

With real hookers running the government everything the government provides would come with a specific price, which would be revealed in advance. And payable upfront.

What you pay
You want to continue the war in Iraq? Your elected hooker would tell you that the cost is $200 billion a year. There are 100 million households in the U.S. so your cost would be $2,000 a year. Payable upfront.

You want illegal immigration? Your elected hooker tells you illegal immigration costs the U.S. $100 billion a year, in crimes and services used and not paid for, such as education and medical care. If you want to continue U.S. illegal immigration your elected hooker will tell you that your cost is $1,000 a year. Payable upfront.

With real hookers running the government you will be able to decide what you want government to do and you'll get a price for that. Payable upfront. If you don't want to pay for it you don't get it.

Getting elected
Hookers would run for office by campaigning, just like today's politicians, but without the false promises, without the pandering, without the double talk. And hookers campaigning for election would be infinitely more interesting and exciting than politicians campaigning for election.

Responsive government
With hookers running the government, the government would be much more responsive to the needs and desires of their paying clients ... the American public. Unlike politicians, who are completely out-of-touch with the people, hookers are very much in touch and hands-on.

The solution
America's political system is broken. It isn't working anymore. We, the people, need a dramatic and drastic change in our system of government. Maybe replacing politicians with hookers is the answer! With politicians you never know what you're going to get and, all too often, you get nothing. Or get screwed. With hookers running the government you'll know exactly what you're going to get. And how much it'll cost.

And hookers will be cheaper. Just like hookers in the private sector, hookers running the government will be paid by the hour. No benefits. No pensions.

Let's replace America's phony politician whores. Let's replace 'em with real whores!

New Reality Show!

2008-05-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

A new reality show is slated to debut next month - live - on the internet. The streaming video show follows powerful Washington politicians through their day, takes viewers inside the heads of Washington's elite politicians; what they do all day, how they do it, and how they represent and serve the interests of the taxpaying public.

What's the show called?

The show is called ...

(for those of you who didn't get it, it's not American Idol ... it's American idle. That's idle - as in not doing anything productive. As in do-nothing brain-dead idiot self-serving corrupt politicians).

Gas Tax Holiday

2008-05-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

The Gas Tax Holiday Is A Joke

Presidential candidates John McCain and Hillary Clinton propose a federal gas tax holiday, eliminating the 18 cents per gallon federal tax on gasoline for 3 months, from Memorial Day to Labor Day.

This is to help Americans cope with the high price of gasoline during the summer driving months.

In reality, here’s what the federal gas tax holiday will do …

Let’s do the math. I use 10 gallons of gas a week. If the government institutes a tax holiday and eliminates 18 cents a gallon I will save $1.80 per week. That’s about $7 a month. Over the 3-month gas tax holiday period I will save a grand total of $21.

Oh, yeah, a savings of $7 a month for 3 months will really reduce my household expenses of thousands of dollars a month.

C’mon, you idiot politicians, get real!

Copyright 2008 Andrew Lawrence

It's Not A Recession, It's A Duck

2008-04-30T16:01:00.001-07:00

If it looks like a recession
walks like a recession
and quacks like a recession
The government says it's not a recession,
it's a duck.

We, The People, Want Action! Now!

2008-04-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

America has critical problems. Critical problems that are not being fixed by our representatives in Washington. We, the people, want action on the following problems. Now! Here's what we want our government to do ...

War
Offer to surrender to Al Quaeda and the Taliban, on the condition that they pay us back all the money we spent on the Iraq War and the War in Afghanistan. That's $1 trillion. Get the money up front.

Energy
After we get the trillion dollar payment pull all the troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, re-deploy them and take over the oil fields of Saudi Arabia, Iran and other Middle East oil producers. Don't bother to run it by the U.N. or our allies in Europe and Asia first. Just do it. Call it a "local police action" or "push for peace" or whatever. Then, by controlling the world's major oil fields WE would control the world's oil supply. Then we roll back gas prices to $1.00 a gallon. In addition, as a result of us controlling all the oil, we would also win the War On Terror, because the Middle East would have no money, no power, and would cease to be a threat to anyone.

Economy
Use the $1 trillion we get from Al Quaeda and the Taliban to stimulate the economy. There are 100 million households in the U.S. That means each household would get $10,000. Cash. THAT should stimulate the economy and get us out of the recession.

Illegal immigration
Pass an international eminent domain law and take over Mexico. Then, let U.S. real estate developers turn Mexico into thousands of giant shopping malls, theme parks and condo communities. That should create plenty of jobs for Mexican workers, and they won't have to illegally come here anymore.

OK, Washington, that's it for now. Get to work!

Save The Earth

2008-04-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

Do You Want To Help Save The Environment
And Reduce CO2 Emissions?

Humans exhale Carbon Dioxide (CO2)

How can you help save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions?

Stop breathing

War

2008-04-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

War is not the answer

Maybe we could talk 'em to death

Yeah, that'll work.

On Iraqi Freedom

2008-04-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

a conversation between an Iraqi citizen and George W. Bush

Iraqi: "Thank you for getting rid of Saddam Hussein".

Bush: "You're welcome."

Iraqi: "Now what?"

Bush: "What do you mean?"

Iraqi: "What happens now?"

Bush: "What do you mean 'what happens now'? You are FREE!"

Iraqi: "I don't understand free. What does free mean?"

Bush: "Free means you are free. Free to govern yourselves, free to do what you want. You are no longer forced to do what somebody else tells you to do. You are free to determine your own future, free to decide how YOU want to live."

Iraqi: "I already know how I want to live. I want to faithfully follow my 7th century religion and faithfully pledge my allegiance to my 7th century tribe. These are the fundamentals of my life."

Bush: "Don't you want to be free? Don't you realize that freedom is the most important and most valuable thing you can ever have?"

Iraqi: "No. I do not understand this freedom. I did not want to be free, I just didn't want to live under a crazy murdering dictator and his 2 crazy murdering sons. It would have been just fine if you just removed Saddam Hussein and replaced him with a n-i-c-e-r dictator. How will I eat? How will I feed my family?"

Bush: "Under freedom, you feed yourself."

Iraqi: "How does that work? Before you removed Saddam I was given an education, a job, a place to live, food and medical care. Now, I have none of those things."

Bush: "Yes, but you are FREE. Now, you have FREEDOM!"

Iraqi: "And how, exactly, do you eat freedom?"

Bush: "You'll learn. It'll take 40-50 years but you'll catch on. Of course, you'll have to change. You'll have to separate your 7th century religion from your 21st century government. And you'll have to give up your 7th century tribal allegiance.But that's a small price to pay for f-r-e-e-d-o-m."

Iraqi: "Not be guided by Islam? Give up my tribe? Impossible, this is my whole entire culture, this is my whole entire life."

Bush: "Freedom is hard. Freedom requires sacrifice. Freedom is worth having. Even if you don't want it. Even if it takes 50 years. Even if it kills you. Freedom is the American way."

Iraqi: "I am not an American. I am not like you. You ruin my country. You ruin my life. You force freedom on people who do not want it, do not value it and will not fight for it. You understand nothing of my culture. You are naive and ignorant."

Bush: "Everything America does around the world is based on freedom. Everything we do is justified by freedom. How could you not want to be free? Freedom is my religion. Freedom is my gift. We want everyone to be free. We may have forced 20 million Iraqis to accept freedom but it's for their own good. 50 years from now you'll thank me."

Iraqi: "You are an idiot."

This conversation never happened.
Or did it?

What Really Happens

2008-04-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

What Really Happens
When The Phone Rings At
3AM In The White House

"Hi, we're asleep. At the beep leave a message and we'll get back to you"

science

2008-02-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

Scientists Not Smarter Than a 5th Grader

In 2006 the earth's polar ice caps suffered massive melting. This caused hysterical warnings of global warming doom from scientists thoughout the world.

The very next year, 2007, the earth's polar ice caps did not continue to melt but instead, refroze and regained even more ice than it lost the previous year. This caused hysterical warnings of global cooling and fears of a mini ice-age from scientists throughout the world.

Here's what really happened ...

There is a warm polar sea current, which caused the polar ice cap melting of 2006. That polar ice melted into the surrounding sea and the water became colder. The colder water then blocked the warm ocean current. In blocking the warm current the polar seas then simply became colder and this caused ice to reform on the polar ice caps. More ice than before the melt.

None of this was man-made.

Simple facts. Simple science. Yet environmental scientists (with PhD's) screamed hysterical global warming warnings and, the very next year, screamed ice age doom and gloom warnings They were ignorant of the simple facts and the simple science.

This is 5th grade science. Thus, PhD scientists who screamed hysterical warnings of global warming or ice age due to polar ice cap activity are, apparently, not smarter than a 5th grader.

Raise Your Hand If You Want To Have LESS Money

2008-02-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

Who in their right mind would want to have LESS money? Who in their right mind would volunteer to pay MORE taxes? Who in their right mind would elect to have a LOWER standard of living?

Apparently, anyone who is a Democrat.

The Democratic Party make no bones about it. The Democratic Party comes right out and tells you, in advance, that they will raise taxes. YOUR taxes. The more taxes you pay, the less money you have. The less money you have the lower your standard of living. Who in their right mind would volunteer to have a lower standard of living? It's un-American. Oh, you think the Democrats are talking about only raising taxes on the rich; the fat cats, the CEO's and other financial super stars? Think again. The Democrats think anyone earning over $100,000 is rich. In reality, that's a standard 2-income family in America. Often husband and wife government workers, perhaps school teachers, earning $50,000 each. $100,000 a year income. Rich? Not by anyone's standards ... except the Democrats.

If YOU vote Democrat YOU will likely be paying higher taxes. As a result of paying higher taxes, YOU will have less money in your pocket and YOU will have a lower standard of living.

By the way, if you thought that the Democratic Party was the party of the underdog, the party of the working class, the party of the poor, think again. In the past 50 years, despite all the Democratic bluster and the billions and billions of taxpayer dollars spent by all the Democratic government poverty programs, the fact is that there are more poor people in America than ever before!

And, you may be startled to learn, that the top 20 zip codes in America with the highest incomes are ALL Democratic. The rich people in America live, not in Republican neighborhoods, but in Democratic neighborhoods. The Democratic Party is, in fact, now the party of the rich! Imagine the hypocrisy. The Democratic Party promotes itself as the party of the working class and the poor but, in reality, it is the party of the rich and privileged. In reality, it has become the party of the fat cats they are against! Once you look at the facts, once you look at the truth, the Democratic Party defies all human logic. Yet, tens of millions of Americans continue to vote Democrat. Tens of millions of Americans are voting to raise their own taxes. Who in their right mind would voluntarily want to pay more taxes? Who in their right mind would volunteer to pay more taxes, have less money in their pocket, and have a lower standard of living?

No one in their right mind.

2007-12-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

Global Warming? I'm Freezing!

(Los Angeles) - Despite the hysterical warnings of scientists, celebrities, politicians and ex-Vice Presidents, many U.S. residents, including those in warm sunny Southern California, are experiencing some of the coldest winter weather on record ...

The Farmer's Almanac predicts that the winter of 07-08 will be colder than normal in the northeastern U.S., including New York and New England. And, in the normally warm Los Angeles area, mid-December nights have seen temperatures plummet to near freezing. In L.A., I go out every night and, in winter, I used to be able to wear a t-shirt and a leather jacket and be warm. Not anymore. Now, when I go out at night, I'm freezing. I don't have a heavy winter coat, i.e. heavy warm winter parka, and can't buy one here as stores in Los Angeles do not carry heavy winter parkas, because we in L.A. never needed a heavy winter parka - before global warming.
So far this winter, in spite of cries of global warming, Los Angeles is not warmer. In fact, to me (and all my friends) it feels about 10 degrees COLDER.

Global warming? I'm freezing!

DISCLAIMER
The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

2007-11-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

Teddy Bear Blasphemy

Gets Teacher 15 Days

In Sudan Jail

A female British teacher in the Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail because her class named a teddy bear Mohammed ...

We kid you not. Apparently, under Islamic law, naming a stuffed animal after the prophet Mohammed is blasphemy. Though it was her class that named the teddy bear Mohammed, a common name for Islamic males, the teacher was held accountable and faced being lashed and jailed. The Sudan is a fundamentalist Islamic country in Africa and often faces severe droughts, famines and civil wars.

A spokesperson for the Sudanese Ministry of Injustice stated, "We decided that the teacher broke the laws of Islam by naming the teddy bear Mohammed. Though we found the teacher guilty we felt merciful and will only throw her in jail for 15 days rather than giving her 40 lashes then throwing her in jail. After all, this is not the 9th century."

Sudanese jails are rated among the worst in the world. Meanwhile, thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday Nov 30, 2007 in a central square and demanded the execution of the British teacher. (No, this part we're not making up).

After serving her 15 days in jail the teacher will be immediately deported. Worlwide public outrage directed against the Sudanese government accompanied the teddy bear blasphemy case. However, one Hollywood celebrity airhead commented, "Wow! They were gonna give her 40 lashes? Now, that's hot; I only get free mascara!"

The kids in the class, who voted to name the teddy bear Mohammed, were not charged. The class will get a new teacher, reported to be a local tribal leader of the Taliban.

The teddy bear was also not charged ... and was renamed "Osama".

2007-11-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

Panting Pets Protest

Petty Prettying

According to a new survey by veterinarians, dogs and cats do not enjoy being clothed in cute sweaters or jackets or pants or hats or sunglasses ...

In fact, it can make pets feel stupid and depressed. "It may look cute to humans," says veterinarian C. Spot Runn, a vet from San Diego, California. "But pets are not humans, they are animals, and animals do not wear clothes."

A pet psychic from Palo Alto agrees. "I've talked to hundreds of cats and dogs, in their own language," says pet psychic, Ima Nutt, "And they all tell me they wear pet clothes for one reason and one reason only ... to please their owners." Says Nutt, one pooch politely panted, "I am not a doll, I'm a dog. Wearing pet clothes is demeaning. When my owner walks me and I'm wearing pet clothes the other dogs laugh at me. And they also have trouble sniffing my rear end."

A huge trend, pet owners spend tens of millions of dollars every year on clothes and accessories for their pets. What's next, Dior for dogs? Chanel for cats?

According to the latest survey, 90% of household pets would prefer that, instead of buying pet clothes, pet owners donate an extra $100 to a pet charity.

And, as for spaying or neutering, how would YOU like it?

2007-11-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Second Amendment Under

Fire By U.S. Supreme Court

(Washington) - The U.S. Supreme Court today announced it would rule on a landmark case involving the second amendment to the U.S. Constitution; the right of private citizens to bare arms.

Many Americans are outraged that the U.S. federal government, i.e. the U.S. Supreme Court, is going to rule on whether or not a citizen has the right to bare arms; i.e., the right to own a short sleeve or sleeveless garment, the right to wear a garment which exposes their arms. Presidential candidate Ron Paul exclaimed, "Since the founding of America, men and women have always had the right to bare arms. Especially during the summer months when it's hot outside. Even the original Americans, native American Indians, in the hot summer months either wore no top at all or wore buckskin tops with short sleeves or no sleeves. Every American has the right to bare arms. And the government should stay out of people's closets!"

If the U.S. Supreme Court rules against an individual's right to bare arms it would be catastrophic for the T-shirt industry and could also lead to an immediate ban on wearing hawaiian shirts in Florida and California. A spokesperson for The American Wife-Beater's T-shirt Assn, Vinnie Barbarino, formerly of the TV show Welcome Back Kotter, stated, "Whut? I got 2 good arms and I'm gonna show 'em off. I don't care what the Supremes do, I'm gonna wear my wife-beater T-shirt."

In America, the Second Amendment is under fire. In America, the right to bare arms may be in jeopardy. In America, people are asking, "what rights will the government try to take away next, the right to bare legs?"

2007-11-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

U.S. To Offer Free

'Winter In Waziristan'

Program

(Washington) - A new U.S. educational program was launched today, sponsored by the U.S. State Dept, offering a "Winter In Waziristan" vacation to any U.S. citizen who thinks that America sucks.

The program entails a 3-month winter stay in Waziristan, a rugged mountainous tribal area in northwest Pakistan, where you will live under native conditions. Under the program, any U.S. citizen who thinks America sucks, can visit Waziristan for the winter, live in a typical native cave or mud hut far from civilization and experience, first hand, the realities of hunger, poverty, lack of sanitation, disease, corruption and lawlessness.

The literacy rate in the area is 27% and, though there are few jobs to be had, during your 3-month stay in Waziristan you can get on-the-job training for a lucrative career in smuggling or illicit drug production. It's widely believed that the region is now host to many Al Quaeda and Taliban freedom fighters who escaped over the border from Afghanistan after 9/11 and the area is also rumored to be the current home of celebrity terrorist Osama Bin Laden.

During your winter wonderland stay in Waziristan, should the need arise, free medical care wil be provided by the local Taliban witch doctor.

On the bright side, there is intermittent dial-up internet access, limited cell phone service, cable TV featuring the Al Jazeera channel, free jihad lectures and free suicide bombing classes.

A State Dept spokesperson, commenting on the Winter in Waziristan program stated, "After a winter in Waziristan, if they survive, any U.S. citizen who still wants to think America sucks will at least have something to compare it to."

The reality based Winter in Waziristan program is free. It's open to any U.S. citizen who believes that the U.S. sucks, and is recommended for U.S. college students, university professors, ACLU members, Hollywood millionaires who hate capitalism, and limousine liberals.

Leading by example, Democratic millionaires Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Ted Kennedy are slated to be among the first participants in the Winter in Waziristan program.

2007-11-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

U.S. Bans Mail To Mexico

Mexicans living in the U.S. send more than 20 billion dollars a year back home to Mexico.

In response to Mexico president, Felipe Calderon, publicly criticizing the U.S. for not treating Mexican illegals better, the President of the United States today banned the sending of mail, money orders and wire transfers from the U.S. to Mexico.

Mexico immediately declared bankruptcy.

2007-11-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

UN Scientists Predict

Extinction Of Human

Race In 7 Years

(New York) - In a dire report issued today, UN scientists predicted the complete extinction of the human race in 7 years due to global warming.

Nobel Prize winner Al Gore chimed in with, "See, I told you so. Global warming is real and it's gonna get ya. Now, maybe the world will wake up and pay more attention to global warming ... and, of course, to me, Al Gore ... or risk extinction."

A spokesperson for the extreme radical environmental group, Planet Without People, stated, "Nobody will escape. Even rich materialistic Americans will die in a blaze of global warming fury."

The UN report cited the causes of the global warming crisis to be 100% man-made, led by the proliferation of SUV's, real estate development, outdoor barbecuing, excess burping by obese people in America, and the decline of the almighty U.S. dollar. A Nobel winning scientist from Iran, Moe Hammed, added, "Global warming is America's fault. Everything is America's fault."

Conspicuously missing from the report was any mention of naturally occurring climate changes, such as those caused by solar flares, oceans, forests, animals, and other natural contributors to the earth's naturally changing climate.

Another UN spokesperson, Ima "Bull" Sheeter, issued the statement, "We dummied up the report to cause hysteria and panic. Predicting the near-term extinction of the human race scientifically is a great way for the UN to get more funding and more respect. It's not real science, it's better than real science. It's politically correct science!"

Coinciding with the release of the report, the UN gift shop is offering asbestos global warming protection suits, at a mere $12,000. Plus tax.

2007-11-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

U.S. Drivers Celebrate

Road Rage Day

Drivers throughout the U.S. will be celebrating the 1st annual Road Rage Day tomorrow, starting at 7:00AM local time and continuing through the evening rush hour. In anticipation of Road Rage Day drivers in major U.S. cities today were testing their car horns and stocking up on extra ammo.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Dept of Transportation, Fred Fenderbender, proclaimed Road Rage Day the first U.S. federal holiday to reflect the real world of America's overcrowded highways, continuous traffic jams and incredibly stupid drivers. Fenderbender added, "The U.S. government is proud to honor those who rage at other drivers for cutting them off or changing lanes at high speed without signaling. Road rage is a time-honored American tradition and it's time to honor it."

Road rage can also be very dangerous in America. Provoking another driver can get you verbally abused, beat up and even shot. A veteran of road rage himself, actor Jack Nicholson once beat on another vehicle with a golf club. Jack says, "I'm looking forward to Road Rage Day tomorrow. In order to be properly equipped for it, today I went out and bought myself a whole new set of golf clubs!"

So, tomorrow is the big day. Road Rage Day. Millions of drivers will be out on the nation's streets and highways, behind the wheel. And a lot of them will do incredibly stupid things. Be alert. Be prepared. Be angry.

Happy Road Rage Day!

2007-11-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton Protests

Drunken Elephants

Paris Hilton

Heiress Paris, missing for months, has reappeared back in the news, protesting elephants in India who get drunk on farmer's rice beer and rampage villages.

Paris thinks that drunken, rampaging elephants are not so good for the villagers (or the elephants) and conservationists in India applaud her brilliant insight. Nobel Prize winner Al Gore, upon hearing of Paris' pathetic pachyderm plight, chimed in with, "Drunken elephants are a major contributor to global warming."

Paris herself said, "I know about being drunk and going on rampages; I did that for years."

It appears that the simple minded star of Simple Life has latched on to a new globally important cause; arresting elephants for DUI. What do you do with a drunken elephant in India? Same as in Hollywood; levy a fine, give it probation, and send it to rehab.

Now that's hot!

2007-10-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Captured!

(Washington) - An un-named U.S. Senator revealed that Osama Bin Laden has been captured by U.S. forces and is being held under heavy guard in a top secret U.S. location

According to the National Enquisitor, a female staff reporter for the popular tabloid met the un-named U.S. Senator, who, for the purposes of anonymity we will call Hillary, in a Dulles Airport restroom stall yesterday where it was revealed that Osama had been apprehended in Pakistan last week at a local Wal-Mart where he was shopping for the new Britney Spears CD. Bin Laden was arrested and immediately flown, by private government jet, to the U.S. where he is currently being closely guarded at a top secret location, reported to be a Las Vegas hotel suite, at the Montecito Hotel & Casino, owned by Tom Selleck and run by Danny McCoy. Hotel officials could not be reached for comment as they are currently on hiatus due to the writer's strike.

According to the un-named secret source named Hillary, the capture of Bin Laden, the world's #1 terrorist and mastermind of 9/11, is being kept top secret for political purposes. The secret source, who is a Democratic presidential front runner, claimed that Republicans plan on keeping Bin Laden under wraps until just before the 2008 election when they will exploit the capture to get votes and, according to liberals, conspiricists and Bush-haters, once again steal the presidential election.

2007-10-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

Oil Hits $1,000 A Barrel

Bush Blamed

The price of oil hit $1,000 a barrel today for the first time in history, causing every nation's economy to stop dead in it's tracks as all the money in the world was suddenly sucked up by Saudi Arabia and other middle eastern oil producers.

Conspiracists lay the blame squarely on George Bush. A spokesperson for the group, Conspiracies-R-Us, stated, "George W. Bush is behind everything bad that happens in the world. He and his Saudi buddies manipulated the price of oil, caused 9/11, caused global warming, and stole the presidency from Al Gore. These are not just crazy theories, they are crazy facts, which are contained in our best selling book, "Conspiracy For Dummies".

As a result of $1,000 a barrel oil, gas prices in the U.S. jumped to $20 a gallon. According to liberals and environmentalists, filling up the tank of a gas guzzling, environmentally unfriendly SUV will now cost $500, money which could be better used to do other things, such as giving it to the poor, planting a windmill in your backyard, or recycling toilet paper.

Many important items in our lives are made from oil, including plastic, which is used to make critical everyday items such as computers, cell phones, ipods, fast food wrappers, potato chip bags, crayons, shampoo, condoms and sex toys.

As a result of $1,000 a barrel oil, economists predict that the price of every product on earth will double in the next 30 minutes.

2007-10-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

Al Gore Finds New Cause

Of Global Warming!

Nobel Prize winner, Al Gore, today announced he has singlehandedly found a new major cause of global warming. Haircuts.

Liberal, wacko scientists, as usual, totally agree with Al Gore's finding. They claim that, after a haircut, when the thrown-away hair cuttings decay, they give off massive amounts of green house gases, in hues of blond, brunette and redhead. This contributes to the severe global warming crisis in America, which, according to liberals, is the worst offending nation in everything.

Along with SUV's and outdoor barbecuing, haircutting in America is a serious environmentally unfriendly act, especially when perpetrated by rich men, rich women, actors and politicians, as they get more frequent haircuts than the average poor person.

The world's hair care industry is aghast at Gore's findings. Hollywood haircutter-to-the-stars, Jose Jair, stated, "OMG, all these years when I was charging $500 for a haircut I was contributing to global warming. I'm so sorry. Now that I know, I'll have to raise my price."

And, lastly, as a result of his new findings, Al Gore has personally vowed to get all his hair cut off and, in the interests of science and the environment, go bald.

2007-09-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Bill Clinton To Retire

And Join The Circus

Bill Clinton, ex-president of the United States, shocked the world today when he announced that he was retiring from politics. And joining the circus. Heads of state from every nation were stunned by the announcement, as they could not discern any difference between politics and a circus.

A spokesperson for Mr. Clinton said, "President Clinton is retiring but that depends on what the definition of "is" is. A circus ringmaster is something Bill Clinton always wanted to be and he got a lot of experience during his years leading the 3-ring circus of Washington, D.C. And, if Hillary doesn't win the election, she will retire too and join him in the circus; as a lion tamer. And she won't even need a whip and a chair!"

Mr. Clinton added, "I love a good circus. I love being the ringmaster ... and sometimes the clown."

Well, you know what they say; if the oversize floppy shoe fits, wear it.

2007-09-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

David Copperfield

Makes Himself

Disappear

(Las Vegas) - World famous magician and accused rapist, David Copperfield, has performed the most astonishing magic trick of his career; he made himself disappear.

Copperfield disappeared on stage during his midnight show in Las Vegas last night and has not been seen since. Forensic magicians and the cast of CSI Las Vegas suspect that Copperfield de-materialized in Las Vegas and re-materialized at his home in the Bahamas, outside the jurisdiction of the United States.

Copperfield, a world famous magician and Las Vegas headliner, allegedly for years has been picking attractive young women from his audience, inviting them backstage after the show, and hitting on them. This naughty little trick requires no magic, just fame and fortune.

For decades, Copperfield has also used his magic skills to help Washington politicians make problems and people disappear, such as budget deficits, Monica Wolinsky and Osama Bin Laden.

During his illustrious career, David Copperfield has made many things, such as elephants and jet planes, disappear before our very eyes. And now, with his career and his freedom in possible jeopardy, he has performed the ultimate disappearing magic trick; he made himself disappear.

2007-09-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton

Reported Missing

(Hollywood) - Peeple Magazine today announced it has filed a missing persons report with the Los Angeles Police Dept regarding the whereabouts of Paris Hilton. Ms. Hilton has mysteriously disappeared from the Hollywood scene and has not been seen by the paparazzi or tabloids for over a month.

A spokesperson for the National Inquisitor newspaper lamented, "Without Paris Hilton we're not selling enough papers. Without Paris we could go broke. Britney is not enough, we need Paris!"

Where is Paris Hilton?

Tabloid reporters speculate that, among the possibilities, she is shacked up with a new boytoy, she's in rehab in Rwanda, she got a job as a waitress at the International House of Pancakes or, perish the thought, she grew up and now shuns the limelight.

Her PR person, Emma "Speedy" Spinner, could not be reached for comment as Ms. Spinner is in Las Vegas helping David Copperfield perform magic tricks, such as keeping him out of jail.

2007-09-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Congress Votes To Give

Itself Fridays Off

(Washington) - In a truly incredible display of arrogance and cluelessness, the U.S. House of Representatives today voted to give itself a 4-day workweek, with every Friday off.

American workers and taxpayers across the nation were outraged, as THEY have to work 5 and 6 days a week. Every week. "Why should Congress get Fridays off? The lazy bastards don't do anything on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday!" states Ben Dover, a spokesperson for Taxpayers Against Brain Dead Politicians.

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, smartly attired in yet another designer pantsuit responded to the criticism. "In Washington, our 20-minute daily commute, via limo, is too long and tiring," she says. "Plus, we need to start spending more taxpayer time on campaigning for ourselves in the next election. It's the most important thing we do and it's only a year away. Besides, we're totally arrogant and completely out of touch with the American public. We don't represent America or its people, we only represent ourselves. We're politicians, we don't work, and, if we want to give ourselves a 4-day workweek, then we're going to do what WE want to do, regardless of what the taxpaying public wants. Anyway, what's the difference, we don't get anything done in Washington anyway."

The other 434 members of the U.S. House of Representatives could not be reached for comment, as they all took the day off.

2007-09-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

Al Gore Solves Energy Crisis -

Divulges New Energy Source!

Al Gore, Nobel Prize recipient, Oscar winner, U.S. Vice President and extreme environmental wacko spokesperson, today announced he has a solution to the overuse of energy by the U.S., which he thinks also causes global warming. Gore's solution is an alternate energy source he calls "pedal power". Pedal power is clean. Pedal power is free. Pedal power is good for the environment. What is pedal power?

Pedal power is derived from 2 pedals circulating around a chain driven driveshaft mounted on a lightweight aluminum frame. Most people know it as a bicycle.

Al Gore wants Americans to give up the car in favor of the bicycle.

George SoreAss, an 11-year-old software billionaire and spokesperson for the anti-human environmental group, Planet Without People, states, "As long as we have to have people on the planet let them all ride bikes. Let them use pedal power. With pedal power there'll be no more gas guzzling cars polluting the environment and causing global warming. Just bicycles. Bicycles are cool and they don't pollute. I ride mine to school everyday!"

Washington politicians, who have the mentality and attention span of a rich 11-year-old, agree. Congress thinks the pedal power/bicycle concept is a great idea too and is hard at work thinking up ways to take away your car.

On the subject of pedal power, the U.S. Secretary of Obesity, Lotta Pounds, weighs in with, "Oh my, yes. Al Gore is not only handsome and brilliant but he's overweight too! And pedal power sounds like just what America needs to fight pollution, global warming AND obesity. Forcing people to ride a bike everywhere will cause them to lose weight, get lots of exercise and be healthier. That sounds like a good thing. Of course, politicians will be exempt because they are such important people, mostly to themselves."

Pedal power is another wacky environmentally friendly energy solution, brought to you by the world's most famous wacky environmentalist. Coincidentally, Gore recently signed a $10-million-a-year deal to endorse and promote the American Bicycle Manufacturers, whose bicycles are, of course, made in China.

2007-09-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Politicians Not Human

According To New Study

U.S. anthropologists today released the results of a 10-year study which revealed that politicians are actually not human but a sub-species of humanoids. As a result, politicians have been reclassified as a new humanoid sub-species named Bastardus Corrupticus.

A spokesperson for the Society of Human Beings, Hugh Mann, stated, "Though politicians share some of the same traits as homo sapiens they have a number of genetically different traits which require them to be reclassified as a sub-species. Some major differences between human beings, Homo Sapiens, and politicians, Bastardus Corrupticus, is that politicians have an extreme compulsive drive to gain office and seek re-election, have a natural ability to disregard anyone who doesn't give them campaign contributions, have a complete and utter lack of ethics, and have an innate talent to look and sound sincere while lying to your face.

Thus, the new study appears to prove what many U.S. voters and taxpayers have always suspected; that politicians are indeed, not human beings, but rather a humanoid sub-species. In addition, it turns out that, scientifically, politicians (Bastardus Corrupticus) are most closely related to another sub-species, Bastardus Legalus, commonly known as lawyers.

2007-09-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

EPA Fines God

For Polluting

(Sacramento) - The 15 major wildfires throughout Southern California, burning hundreds of square miles and turning the sky black with smoke, have been ruled as Acts of God. As a result, the California Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has levied a $10 million fine on God, for polluting the environment.

An EPA spokesperson, Peter Peckerhead, stated, "We have strict rules against polluting the environment in California and polluters will be fined. God is no exception."

The $10 million fine has put the Ninth Circuit Court of San Francisco, made up of extreme liberal whacko judges, in a quandry. If the court upholds the fining of God they would be admitting the existence of God, which, as extreme liberals, they refuse to do. On the other hand, because polluters in California are treated more harshly than child rapers, if the court doesn't uphold the fining of God they would appear to be lenient on environmental abusers. So, like all good-for-nothing politicians, the court solved the dilemma by going on emergency vacation, and avoiding the issue entirely.

Regarding the $10 million fine, God could not be reached for comment as He has no PR person, no cell phone number or email address.

2007-09-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

Statue Of Liberty Speaks Out

On U.S. Immigration

(New York) - In a miraculous display of spontaneous real life animation, the famous landmark in New York Harbor, The Statue of Liberty, today spoke to stunned reporters ...

From her concrete pedestal, the giant green metal lady, a beacon of freedom throughout the world for 220 years, opened her enormous mouth and said, "Enough already with the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to be free. America has borders, and we have laws against crossing those borders illegally."

Lady Liberty went on to say, "I have stood here since 1886, welcoming immigrants to America. Legal immigrants. Your parents and grandparents. Your parents and grandpatrents, who were l-e-g-a-l immigrants, immigrants who were grateful to be here, who became citizens legally, who embraced the language and culture and ways of America and who helped make America great. Now, all I see is millions of people sneaking across the border illegally, like thieves, without regard to our sovereignty or our laws and without documentation, without permission and with no allegiance to this nation. I can no longer stand idly by and remain silent. And you, you scumbag Washington politicians, you, and you alone, are guilty of allowing this illegal penetration, this rape, of America to continue. Shame on all of you! That's all I have to say."

Politicians in Washington could not be reached for comment as they were all hiding under their big, expensive desks. Desks bought and paid for by American citizen taxpayer dollars.

2007-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

Can Money Buy Happiness?

Survey Says Yes!

Many people believe that money can't buy happiness while others believe that money CAN buy happiness. Who is right ...?

A survey of 1 million Americans shows that 95% of those surveyed believe money CAN buy happiness. The Giddyap Happiness Poll, released today, shows that only 5% believe money cannot buy happiness. The 5% who believed that money can't buy happiness were either rich ... or dumb.

Among people who thought that money can buy happiness the following reasons were given: if you had a lot of money you can buy or build your dream house, you can afford college tuition, you can drive a fine luxury vehicle, you can tell you boss to take-this-job-and-shove-it, you can feed your family AND afford medical insurance, and you can be popular and have a lot of friends who love you.

A spokesperson for Therapists Of The Rich And Famous stated, "If you are poor and crazy, people will say you are a menace to society. If you are rich and crazy, people will say you are simply eccentric."

Whether or not you believe that money can buy happiness, it is a well-known fact that happiness can't buy money.

2007-09-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

All U.S. Politicians Diagnosed

With Attention Deficit Discorder

(Washington) - Doctors and psychiatrists at Walter Reed Medical Center have examined all 435 members of the U.S. House of Representatives, all 100 Senators, and the President of the United States and have diagnosed every one of them as having severe Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

In layman's terms this means that America's top political leaders in Washington are incapable of concentrating on any legislative, judicial or executive tasks (other than raising campaign funds and getting re-elected). It also explains why Congress and the president have not proposed or passed any legitiment legislation addressing the critical problems facing the United States such as, the War in Iraq, illegal immigration, health care, crime, restless leg syndrome and erectile dysfunction.

A spokesperson for the Dr Phil TV show issued the statement, "Attention deficit disorder in politicians is bad for the country, bad for the people and bad for the future. Dr Phil recommends all U.S. politicians seek immediate treatment, before they completely ruin America by their inattention."

The first choice of treating political attention deficit disorder is ritalin and, if that doesn't work, experts recommend the immediate removal of campaign contributions; THAT gets their attention!

2007-09-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

U.S. Constitution Declared

Unconstitutional

The American Civil Liberals Union today won a landmark legal victory in federal court when they succeeded in getting the U.S. Constitution declared unconstitutional.

The Ninth Circuit Court, located in San Francisco, and known as the most extreme liberal and insane court in the U.S., ruled that the U.S. Constitution is unconstitutional. The basis of the ruling was that the Constitution restricts the rights of big government; such rights include the right to grab all your hard earned money, the right to spend money like a drunken sailor, the right to control your private life, and the right to be totally unresponsive to the will of the people.

In declaring the U.S. Constitution unconstitutional the court opened the door to unchecked and unbalanced power by Washington politicians, who are expected to immediately step up their efforts to further ruin your life and your country.

A spokesperson for the Hillary Clinton campaign gleefully gloated, "Hurray! With the constitution finally out of the way we politicians can now do whatever we want. You just wait and see how much more power and control over the American people the Democrats will have, especially when Hillary is elected queen, uh, I mean president."

In response to the court ruling that the U.S. Constitution is invalid and unconstitutional, the American People For Common Sense issued the statement, "The courts have once again proved that America is no longer a nation "by the people, of the people and for the people" ... but a nation of brain dead politicians."

2007-09-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

Israel Agrees To

Relocate All Jews

(Tel Aviv) - Iran president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an internationally known loudmouth, last week suggested that Israel be given to the Palestinians and all jews in Israel be relocated to Alaska. This week, Israel countered the suggestion with the Palestinians paying for Israel and paying the jews to relocate, not to Alaska, but to Miami Beach, Florida.

A spokesperson for the Knesset, Israel's Parliament, was quoted as saying, "The price would be negotiable. And payable in cash. As for relocation, Alaska is too cold. Big, but cold. Miami Beach is better. It's warmer and many of our American jewish brothers and sisters have already relocated there from New York."

Ahmadinejad's plan to relocate the jews and give Israel to the Palestinians would probably backfire. If the Palestinians were given Israel they would no doubt run it into the ground and turn it into a third world country in less than a decade. Then, the jews would be able to buy it back. Cheap. Make a huge profit. And, as the new land owners, the jews would then be able to throw the Palestinians off the land, out of Israel. Maybe relocate THEM to Alaska.

That would be poetic justice for Mr. Ahmadinejad and his stupid suggestion. Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Small-Man-With-A-Big-Mouth, you just might get it.

2007-09-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

Cure For The Common Cold

(Washington) - Presidential front runner, Hillary Clinton, today announced that, if she is elected, she will reveal the cure for the common cold.

In a political speech in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton stated, "I'll do anything to get elected. I'll bribe babies, I'll promise free health care to all 300 million people in America, including illegal immigrants. I'll make campaign promises, promises I have no intentions of keeping, to anyone who votes! I'm a politician, that's what I do."

Hillary also promises to give us a cure for the common cold. "We politicians have had the cure for the common cold for decades. We just kept it a government secret. Now, if all you Democrats vote for me, and I get annointed, uh, I mean elected, as queen, uh, I mean president, then I'll reveal the cure for the common cold."

Washington politicans, indeed, may have been hiding the cure for the common cold. Think about it, when is the last time you saw a politician on TV coughing and sneezing with a cold? Never!

A spokesperson for the group, Americans Against Brain-Dead Politicians, stated, "Imagine that, the government hiding the cure for the common cold! We always thought politicians never caught a head cold because they were brain dead."

2007-09-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

Should Congress

Be Fired?

If we, the American people,
were able to fire Congress ...

2007-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

New Poll Shows U.S.

Congress Rating=0

The latest Giddyup Poll, released today, shows that the U.S. Congress has a favorable rating of zero. Not 1 of the 14 million people polled thought that Congress was doing a good job

This is the lowest rating of any U.S. Congress since the country was founded in 1776. The rating cannot go any lower. By contrast, 10% of Americans thought Osama Bin Laden was doing a good job and 15% of poll respondees thought Britney Spears was doing a good job as a mother.

Reasons cited for the zero rating of Congress were; the never ending trillion dollar War in Iraq, doing nothing to stop or control illegal immigration, doing nothing to fix a broken health care system and wasting hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars on programs that benefit special interests and not the people.

A spokesperson for the Stop The Asses Coalition states, "Politicians are the asses ruining this country. Asses who do not fix the big problems facing America, ignore the will of the people and, instead, waste time and money playing politics. We urge Americans to open their eyes, use their heads, and see that the asses in Washington, by doing nothing, are allowing this great country to become a second-rate nation."

Perhaps the zero rating for Congress shows that the American people are finally fed up ... and willing to get their heads out of their asses.

2007-09-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton To

Invade Rwanda

(Hollywood) - Celebrity, Paris Hilton, is planning to invade the East African country of Rwanda. By going to Rwanda, she plans to call attention to extreme poverty, by calling attention to herself.

Ms Hilton owes her international celebrity status to being the internet's first amateur porn star with a trust fund (Hilton hotels).

Hilton, who, after getting out of jail, purchased a home in Beverly Hills, where the average price of a house is $2.7 million, held a press conference today to announce her Wander-in-Rwanda trip. She stated, "This tour is not about me, it's about bringing attention to something I know nothing about ... poverty. I hear there are people in Africa who don't wear designer clothes, don't eat in fancy restaurants or drive fancy cars. That's shocking but more importantly, as a rich celebrity, it's good for my image to point out poverty wherever I see it. I want to wander among the poor in Rwanda, with my 5 bodyguards, 100 paparazzi, my PR person and my makeup and stylist crew and then go back to my $1,000-a-night hotel suite and ponder poverty. I want to show the world, which consists of the Hollywood media, that poverty really exists. And I understand from all the rich people in Hollywood that you have to go to Africa to do that."

Paris the heiress wrapped it up by saying, "This trip is not about me, it's about the n-e-w me. The trip is about me getting publicity about poverty. I want to show the world that, when it comes to poor people, I really really c-a-r-e."

Now, that's hot!

2007-09-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

People's #1 Fear

(Amsterdam) - The #1 fear of people throughout the world has always been public speaking. According to the latest Giddyup Poll, because of stupidity and superstition, the #1 fear of people throughout the world is now the fear of PUBIC speaking. Why anyone would be afraid of their genitals saying something is beyond comprehension.

A spokesperson for the Association of Nether Regions, Harry B. Low, says, "So far we have no record of anyone's pubes making a speech."

In addition, according to the Ancient and Modern Languages Department at Oxford University, there is not now, and never has been, a documented language used by pubes to communicate verbally.

Nonetheless, in an irrational and fearful world, in spite of all the evidence and reassurance, the #1 fear in the world is now pubic speaking.

2007-09-04T09:35:00.001-07:00

Tony Bennett's

Wife Is A Hottie!

(New York) - 80-year-old singer Tony Bennett is married to Susan Crow, a hottie more than 30 years younger, and a former NY school teacher.

For 60 years, Bennett has excelled as a singer and is also an accomplished artist (painter). He has sung duets with such musical luminaries as Frank Sinatra, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Barbra Steisand and recently even performed a duet with Christina Aguilera. At 80, the dapper Bennett is still going strong and makes numerous guest appearances on TV and still performs in concert.

So, what does a hottie see in 80-year-old Tony Bennett? He's America's all time #1 crooner, has lots of class, a zest for life, is very romantic and, who knows, maybe he's even good in bed.

Attaboy, Tony!

2007-09-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden

Admits He's Dyslexic

Terrorist and Al Queda leader, Osama Bin Laden, in an exclusive interview with Jihad TV, admitted to being dyslexic.

Osama says that regarding 9/11, he verbally informed Al Quaeda operatives about hijacking planes and crashing them into buildings in the U.S. on a particular date, but dyslexia made him say 9/11 instead of the planned date of 11/9.

"My bad", says Osama. "The event was actually planned to take place on 11/9 not 9/11 but it worked out anyway."

In becoming the leader of Al Quaeda and the world's #1 terrorist Osama had to overcome a number of difficulties and obstacles, such as kidney disease, a university education, vast wealth, dsylexia, and a $100 million bounty on his head.

Learning disorders affect many people around the world and in the U.S., including Rosie O'Donnell, Paris Hilton, and George W. Bush. They don't learn a thing.

2007-09-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ahmadinejad To Be Prof

At Columbia University

(New York) - Islamic fundamentalist trouble maker and Iran president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, today announced he is accepting an invitation to become a full time professor at New York's Columbia University.

A spokesperson for the short loudmouthed Ahmadinejad stated, "Mahmoud's days are probably numbered in Iran. Rather than wait to be beheaded in Iran he'd prefer to escape to New York and be an esteemed and highly paid professor at Columbia University."

Columbia U. is well known for its extreme liberal left wing leanings, where both students and professors do not allow any moderate or conservative views to be aired on campus. At Columbia, Ahmadinejad will be teaching courses in hate, terrorism and jihad. He will also be encouraged to publically speak out against the evil United States of America, aka the Great Satan.

Columbia University is located at the northern part of Manhattan while the horrific terrorist attack of 9/11 ocurred at the southern tip, just a few short miles away.
Like many other institutions of higher learning in the U.S., Columbia apparently didn't learn a thing from 9/11.

Welcome to America. Where "normal" is no more.

2007-08-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

New O.J. Book

"If I Stole It"

(Las Vegas) - Ex-heisman trophy winner, ex-NFL running back, ex-sportscaster, ex-actor and ex-double murderer, O.J. Simpson, now charged with serious crimes involving illegally retrieving his sports and murder memorabilia, is reported to be working on a new book about the alleged crimes, entitled, "If I Stole It".

The book details how O.J. would have stolen back his sleazy memorabilia from a sleazy Las Vegas memorabilia dealer by breaking and entering, armed robbery and kidnapping. If convicted of the charges, O.J. faces up to life in prison.

Previously, Mr. Simpson was acquitted of a double murder.

The O.J. double murder trial is known as "the trial of the 20th century". The new O.J. memorabilia trial is expected to be known as "the trial of the 21st century". Thus, the trials and tribulations of O.J. Simpson spans 2 centuries.

In the new trial involving memorabilia, race rather than evidence is expected to once again be the focus of O.J.'s defense attorneys, as Simpson is the only black involved in the case.

Las Vegas odds makers make O.J. a 2-1 favorite to once again get off.

2007-08-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

Democratic Party

Adopts New Logo

(Washington) - The Democratic Party, led by MoveOver.org and Hillary Clinton, today announced they are changing their political logo. From a donkey to an ostrich.

A spokesperson for MoveOver.org stated, "The donkey as the Democratic logo is politically incorrect. People confuse donkeys with asses. And nobody wants to be represented by asses."

A perfect image for the Democratic Party, the ostrich sticks its head in the sand and ignores reality. Many Capital Hill Democrats, including Massachusetts Senator, Ted Kennedy, and California Senators, Diane Feinstein and Barbara Boxer, have been doing that for decades, and still getting re-elected.

Senator John Edwards (D-North Carolina) issued the statement, "And the ostrich lays a huge egg, which we Democrats can relate to. Plus, a huge egg could be used to feed the poor which is great because, as a rich white Democratic dude, being poor is a subject I always talk about."

2007-08-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

U.S. Congress On Strike

(Washington) - The U.S. Congress today went on strike, refusing to pass any laws necessary to the survival, security and benefit of U.S. citizens.

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) stated, "We're proud to have done nothing for the American people during the past 10 years and look forward to being on strike for another 10 years."

U.S. Congressman Tom Lantos (D-California) added, "Congress went on strike today and will continue to be on strike until we get what we want. We want total control over people's lives and money, with no accountability. We close to getting that now and we won't stop striking until we get it."

When asked about being on strike and ignoring the critical issues facing America, such as illegal immigration, healthcare, social security, etc, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, attired yet again in another smart designer pantsuit, responded, "As politicians we don't care about taking care of business and doing our jobs representing America and its citizens, we only care about playing politics and getting re-elected. That's what we do all day here in Washington."

The only exceptions to Congress being on strike are the 2 senators from California, Diane Feinstein and Barbara Boxer. As longtime U.S. Senators, for the 8 years they have been in Washington, they have NOT been on strike, but no one could tell the difference.

2007-08-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Al Gore Warns Of New

Environmental Crisis

Now that he has found the solution to global warming (it's global air conditioning) former Vice President, Oscar winner and environmental activist, Al Gore, warns of a new environmental crisis threatening our planet ...

Global storming.

Gore states, "There are too many storms, big storms, damaging storms, that are causing loss of life and loss of property throughout the world. This is a world crisis. We must stop the proliferation of rainstorms, snowstorms, hailstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes and typhoons. Our planet, our very lives depend on it!"

What's causing these huge killer storms? According to Al Gore, the planet's wild weather and killer storms are man-made. Says Gore, "They are caused by SUV's."

A spokesperson for the International Bad Weather Bureau, Lotta Wetness, states, "It's all true. Whatever Al Gore says is right on the money, you can take it to the bank. Which Al Gore does."

The solution to global storming? According to a number of global scientists paid by environmental extremist groups (also known as whackos) we must immediately pass even more stupid environmental laws which make no sense, give up our SUV's, and pay more attention, and money, to Al Gore.

2007-08-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden Becomes New

Spokesmodel For 'Just For Men'

(Hollywood) - Terrorist and Al Queda leader, Osama Bin Laden, has inked a deal to be the new spokesmodel for the popular hair coloring company, Just For Men.

Appearing in his first videtaped TV spot for the company Bin Laden sported a jet black beard. In a split screen Before and After image, in the Before picture Bin Laden's facial hair was graying. After using Just For Men, Bin Laden's beard was completely black and natural looking, making him look virile and 10 years younger. Osama stated, through an interpreter, "When it comes to hair, black is back".

In the video, Bin Laden urged his fellow jihadists to "go Hollywood" and lose the gray. He also berated male Democrats in America for not using Just For Men to look more youthful while surrendering to Islam.

A spokesperson for Just For Men issued a statement thanking Bin Laden for promoting their hair care product to middle aged men and senior citizens worldwide via the videotaped ads, which are disquised to look and sound like terrorist messages.

Sales of Just For Men skyrocketed as a result of the campaign starring the much hated, much loved terrorist (depending on your political beliefs). The ad campaign has also been lauded by marketing and advertising experts as "ingenious", "innovative" and "delightful".

As for the public, can we all look forward to more Just For Men ads featuring the world's most wanted terrorist? You betcha.

2007-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

The Gov't Wants YOU

To Be Overweight

(Washington) - The U.S. federal government may actually be encouraging Americans to be overweight, or even obese.

On its official website, The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recommends an adult diet of 2,000 - 2,500 calories daily, with 30% derived from fat. One gram of fat=9 calories. Here's what all this means:

if you eat 2,000 calories a day you should have up to 72 grams of fat per day.

if you eat 2,500 calories a day you should have up to 83 grams of fat per day.

And teenagers should have up to 100 grams of fat daily.

Thus, according to the U.S. federal government, the average person can eat between 70 and 80 grams of fat per day or, if you are a teenager, 100. That should make the average adult or teenager obese in ASAP!.

According to the McDonalds.com website one Big Mac contains a total of 33 grams of fat. And 2 Big Macs would contain 66 grams of fat, an allowable amount of daily fat.

Thus, based on FDA recommendations, is the U.S. government telling its citizens that it's perfectly OK to have the equivalent of 2 Big Macs or more every day?

I don't know about you but if the average person ate like that they'd gain weight. A lot of weight. They'd be looking in the mirror saying "Hello Chubby!" And then they'd have to force themselves to jog 50 miles a day just to lose the extra weight and keep it off.

Based on the FDA guidelines the government must want us all to be fat. And, considering the already overweight population (60%) and the epidemic of obesity in America, when it comes to the amount of fat in the American diet it looks like the politicians and health officials in Washington are out to lunch. Perhaps at McDonald's.

2007-08-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

Bush To Pardon

Osama Bin Laden

(Washington) - In a political effort to distract voters the Republican Party today announced that terrorist Osama Bin Laden will be pardoned by President Bush sometime before the 2008 election.

A Republican spokesperson stated, "It's been 6 years; we can't find Osama Bin Laden, we can't catch him, we can't kill him. We might as well pardon him and move on to more important matters such as wasting time, wasting money and getting elected."

Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, responded, "The Republicans are a bunch of impotent, self-important men who can't find Bin Laden, can't catch him and can't kill him. We Democrats would never have even tried to get Osama, we have more important things to do, like waste time, waste money and get elected."

A recent Giddyup Poll shows that among conservative voters in the U.S. 75% would like to see Osama Bin Laden dead while 25% would like to see him spend the rest of his life in prison. Among U.S. liberals, 25% would like to see Osama Bin Laden dead while 75% would like to see him run for president.

2007-08-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Al Gore Finds Solution

To Global Warming

(Washington) - Former Vice President, Oscar winner, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and global warming activist, Al Gore, today announced he has found the solution to the global warming crisis. He claims that the solution to global warming is global air conditioning.

Mr. Gore urged all Americans to turn on their air conditioning, turn it up to its highest setting, open all doors and windows, and cool off the planet.

Gore states, "It's a matter of science. I've paid 3 prominent scientists and the air conditioning industry lobbyists to agree that global warming can be reversed, in as little as 30 days, by global air conditioning.

When asked about the increased energy costs for low income consumers who would be running their air conditioners for 30 days Mr. Gore replied, "I don't know anything about low income people. You'll have to ask John Edwards about that, he speaks for the poor."

Al Gore will be embarking on a 10-city speaking tour promoting global air conditioning. At $150,000 a speech, he will net himself a "cool" $1.5 million.

Nobel Peace Prize? Could someone explain what global warming has to do with world peace???

2007-08-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Illegal Immigrant Shoots

English Speaking Machine

An illegal immigrant from Mexico today shot and killed a machine at the self-service checkout stand at a local Home Depot, a large home improvement supplies chain, in Los Angeles.

The shooter explained, through an interpreter, that the automated check out machine he was using was speaking English instead of Spanish. This enraged the illegal immigrant who does not speak one word of English and, as a result of this cultural and linguistic disrespect and abuse, the illegal pulled out a revolver and emptied 6 shots into the offending machine.

The shooter was arrested and released and plans to sue Home Depot for $5 million.

A spokesperson for Home Depot immediately issued a statement profusely apologizing for subjecting any U.S. illegal immigrants to English.

Welcome to politically correct America.

2007-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

World Getting Dumber

... IQ's Drop 15 Points

As the world gets more complicated and machines are getting smarter it appears that people are getting dumber ...

According to a worldwide report released today by the Giddyup Poll, the average IQ of the world's population has dropped by 15 points in the last decade. A decade ago the world's average IQ was 107. Today, it is 92.

The steep drop is attributed largely to the astonishing advances in electronics; amazing gizmos such as cell phones, digital cameras, Ipods, big screen TV's, home computers and other machines. These machines are not particularly user friendly, are quite complicated and are designed to be operated only by someone with a degree in engineering. Less than 25% of cell phone users can send a text message, less than 50% of digital camera owners can take a decent picture and all the people who don't have a working anti-virus program on their computer are really really dumb.

According to the Giddyup Poll, the World IQ political findings also reveals that 88% of left-wing liberals in the U.S. do not use their brain at all. Instead, they rely totally on "feelings" for their political beliefs, choosing to ignore both facts and reality.

The World IQ Poll clearly proves what many of you have always thought: as you get older it's not that you are getting any smarter, it's that everyone else is getting dumber.

2007-08-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

Babies Balk At Bathing Due

To Rubber Ducky Recall

In yet another massive recall of toys made in China the FDA today announced an immediate nationwide recall of all rubber duckies due to cancer causing yellow dye #247 which was used to give the adorable and much loved toy its attractive color.

As virtually all toys are now made in China the recall involves all rubber duckies in the United States. Mothers are urged to immediately remove any rubber duckies from the home.

Young children throughout America became emotionally distraught as mommies scooped up the beloved toy from the baths of their sons and daughters. In bathrooms across the U.S., rubber ducky squeeks were replaced by the sobs and cries of babies and little children, balking at bathing without their bobbing little yellow rubber ducky bath toy.

A spokesperson for American Kids With Toys issued a statement on the recall. "How does China expect our children to take a bath without a rubber ducky? A childhood without a rubber ducky is no childhood at all!"

In response to the recall, in Beijing the Chinese Rubber Ducky Manufacturers Association took their CEO out to lunch then took him out and shot him.

2007-08-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Rich White Males

- The New Minority

(Washington) - With the population of the United States now standing at 300 million, rich white males have been granted official minority status.

The poor, the middle class, and women and other minorities make up 98% of the population while rich white males make up only 2%, the reason why rich white males are now officially designated as a minority group. This new designation forces local and federal governments to give favorable and preferential treatment to rich white males, as they are America's new minority group.

Under the politically correct category of diversity, rich white males will now be given the same special advantages and favoritism shown other minority groups. As rich white males may now be under represented in many industries, in education and in government rich caucasian males will be given preferential treatment in hiring, even if they are less qualified. Ivy League universities will now favor rich white males in their admissions programs, the same way they give an admission advantage to other minorities. Universities will also immediately begin hiring rich white males to teach Minority Studies, Black History and Women's Studies. And, in private industry, rich white males will be given hiring preference for such jobs as maids, meter maids and nannies.

The American Civil Liberals Union is planning to bring a number of lawsuits on behalf of the new rich white male minority. A spokesperson for the ACLU states, "We liberals will not tolerate the unfair treatment of any minority, including rich white males. America must be diverse and politically correct, even to the point of being ridiculous."

John Edwards, Senator from North Carolina, presidential candidate, and complete idiot, is the perfect representative for rich white males and has stepped forward as their new spokesperson. He has already been booked for a 9-city speaking tour, at $150,000 per speech.

When contacted about the new minority status for rich white males, Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson could not be reached for comment as they were, for the first time in their lives, totally speechless.

2007-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick Signs With

Prison Football League

(Atlanta) - Ex-Atlanta Falcons NFL quarterback and convicted dog fighting felon, Michael Vick, today inked a deal to play with the prison football league (the PFL).

Vick entered a plea deal in court admitting to financing a dog fighting and gambling ring and being present at, or having knowledge of, the inhumane execution of under performing dogs.

At a press conference held today, Mr. Vick admitted he made mistakes, lied to the NFL, disappointed millions of NFL fans, was a bad example for kids, was a poor excuse for a man, and said he needs to grow up. "I played football all my life. Football is all I know. Except, of course, for dog fighting."

Upon sentencing and incarceration, Vick will become the starting quarterback for the 2006 champions of the prison football league, the Pittsburgh Pit Bulls. Terms of Vick's prison league contract are reported to include a 1-year salary of $2 million and a signing bonus of $1 million.

A spokesperson for Celebrities Without Morals, commenting on the deal, stated, "Dude is a star, he should get a lot more money."

A spokesperson for People Against Bad Behavior, commenting on the deal, stated, "Dude is a criminal, he should get NO money."

2007-08-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

Supreme Court

Kicks Legal Butt

(Washington) - The U.S. Supreme Court today ruled 5-4 to institute the Golden Rule, with Chief Justice Roberts stating that it's about time convicted criminals receive a punishment that fits the crime.

The Golden Rule states, "do unto other as you would have them do unto you". The Supreme Court has interpreted the Golden Rule as legally binding common law and also concludes that if a person commits a serious crime on another or others (do unto others) the perpetrator must expect a punishment equal to the crime (as you would have them do unto you).

This means, for instance, that if someone is convicted of murdering another person, the murderer will be killed by the state, in the same manner as the method of murder i.e. gunshot, knife, blugeoning, poisoned, strangled, smothered, beaten, run over, pushed down the stairs or off a building, etc. Those convicted of rape, assault or child molestation will be kicked in the nuts to within an inch of their lives. People seen crossing the border illegally will be shot on sight and celebrities convicted of DUI will be forced to perform 40 hours of community service as a crash dummy.

The court also ruled that, after conviction of any felony, the appeals process must be started within 7 days and finished within 7 days. Thus, prisoners under death sentences, upon losing their appeal, will be executed within 15 days, not 15 years.

In its new rulings on crime and punishment the Supreme Court cited cases from the Old Testament such as Sodom v. Gomorrah (an eye for an eye) and Noah v. Dr Smiley (a tooth for a tooth).

In response to the Supreme Court kicking legal butt, the ultra-liberal ACLU could not be reached for comment as they were too stunned to speak, realizing they can't sue, as no other court can overturn a Supreme Court ruling.

2007-08-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

Op Ed

How Insane Are
Illegal Immigrants?

Because many of the more than 10 million illegal immigrants in the the U.S. took crazy risks to get here from Mexico, hiking across 100+ degree deserts risking dehydration, death, arrest, snakebite or stuffed into vehicles without food, water and ventilation, does that mean they are insane?

And what about us? We let them cross the border into the U.S. from Mexico illegally. We let them stay in America illegally. We let them earn money in America illegally. We let them take $20 billion a year out of the U.S. economy and send it back home to Mexico. We let them have free health care and other social services.

We let them live and work in America even though many of them understand or speak no English, have no papers, education, skills or money. And if their children are born in America we give their kids automatic citizenship and a free education.

And then we let these millions of individuals, who have broken our federal laws to come here, have no legal right to be here, are not citizens, and have no allegiance to our country, publically protest for more rights as illegal immigrants.

Looks like it's not the illegal immigrants who are insane.

2007-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

Israel To Buy Iraq

(Washington) - In an effort to get rid of the Iraq problem before the 2008 election the Bush administration today announced it has agreed to sell Iraq to Israel, for the sum of one million shekels ($240,000).

Monica Lewinsky, of Bill Clinton's administration and now the new White House Press Secretary, issued the statement, "Iraq has been a never ending political and financial nightmare. Thank goodness it's now Israel's problem."

In Tel Aviv, a spokesperson for the Israeli government stated, "We're going to resell Iraq for 100 million shekels ($24 million) to the Palestinian refugees so that they can all leave Israel and go live there. Maybe they'll be happy there and maybe then they'll stop whining about not having their own homeland. Plus, we'll make a nice profit."

Representatives of the Iraq government could not be reached for comment as they were all busy packing their bags and heading to Abu Dhabi.

Historically, Iraq is an ancient area, thought by many to be the cradle of civilization, and the land which is now Israel, according to the Old Testament, was given to the Jews (aka the Chosen People) by God Himself.

Oy vay, such a world.

2007-08-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

U.S. Congress Stuns Nation -

By Actually Doing Something

(Washington) - U.S. taxpayers and voters across the land were stunned today when their elected representives in Washington actually passed legislation, legislation which even reflected the needs of the American people.

A recent Giddyup Poll showed that Congress had only an 18% favorable rating, lower than used car salesmen and only slightly higher than Osama Bin Laden.

A spokesperson for the American Assn of Disgruntled Citizens (AADC), commented, "Congress has done nothing in decades except spend money. In the past 10 years they have not secured the borders, stopped illegal immigration, fixed social security, passed a health care program or did anything to reduce our dependency on oil. Up to now they have been totally worthless. It's about time they did something productive on behalf of the American people."

Today, Congress passed a bunch of legislation, several based on the laws and customs of Iraq. The legislation included: all U.S. crimes, which will now include illegal immigration, will be punishable by public hanging, carried out within 7 days of being found guilty by your neighbor. The social security system has been disbanded and replaced by mandatory euthenasia at age 65. Free health care is now available to all Americans; they just have to go to Cuba and get it. Federal and state taxes on gasoline have been eliminated and, as a result, the price of gasoline has dropped to 29 cents a gallon.

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, smartly attired in yet another designer pantsuit, proclaimed, "We've been so busy playing politics we haven't had any time to represent the interests of the American people. Our ratings got too low so we thought we had better do a little business. Of course, next year is an election year so we'll be too busy to do anything else."

Welcome to America.

2007-08-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

Space Aliens Welcomed

At White House

(Washington) - Visitors from outer space today were welcomed to the White House in honor of the recent reclassification of UFO's.

In keeping with current guidelines for political correctness, the U.S. federal government has reclassified the occupants of UFO's as illegal immigrants and put them in the same category as other undocumented aliens.

Visitors from outer space will be given the same rights as other illegal immigrants. They will be allowed to enter the U.S. without permission, without papers, without education or skills and without money.

The state of New Mexico, led by Governor Bill Richardson, will continue to give illegal immigrants legal driver's licenses. Illegal immigrants from outer space will get their New Mexico driver's license via the DMV in Roswell.

If stopped for a traffic violation or arrested for a crime, law enforcement officials will refrain from asking illegal immigrants from outer space if they are in the U.S. illegally.

Aliens from outer space, like other illegal immigrants, will be given local social services such as health care, hospitalization and education, at taxpayer expense. Any children of undocumented space aliens born on American soil will be automatically granted U.S. citizenship.

Aliens from outer space, like other illegal undocumented aliens, will not be required to learn or speak English. If necessary, an interpretor will be provided, at taxpayer expense of course.

Welcome to America.

2007-08-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

All GM Cars Recalled

(Detroit) - Giant auto maker, General Motors, today recalled every GM car and truck made in China between 1999-2007.

The 629 million GM vehicles made in China have exterior finishes which contain the same lead paint as the recently recalled potentially deadly Mattel toys.

A spokesperson for GM stated, "Our vehicles are not toys. Just the same, make sure your kids don't try to stick a General Motors vehicle in their mouth."

GM China's CEO, Tu Greedy, added, "Our cars and trucks are fine. GM vehicles made in China are top quality. Just don't lick them."

President George W. Bush, when asked about the Made in China crisis proudly proclaimed, "What's good for General Motors is good for the USA."

The huge GM recall does not provide for repainting of the hazardous exterior. Instead, if you have a 1999-2007 GM vehicle made in China, take it to your local GM dealer and they will put a bumper sticker on it that reads, "this vehicle contains substances known to be hazardous to your health"

Welcome to America.

2007-08-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

U.S. Eliminates Poverty

- By Deporting The Poor

(Washington) - In a major political move to eliminate poverty in America, the Democratically controlled U.S. Congress today passed a law to deport all people in the U.S. earning less than $30,000 a year ...

Students, individuals under the age of 21 and illegal immigrants are exempt from the deportation.

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) proclaimed, "Finally, in an important political year, Democrats have eliminated poverty in my, I mean our, country. This has been a political dream of mine for over 40 years and now it's a reality and, as a rich liberal, I won't have to pretend to worry about the poor anymore."

A massive deportation of tens of millions of poor people from America will be difficult for the government. No other country on the planet would even dream of taking in tens of millions of undocumented poor so where will America's poor be deported to? Senator John Edwards, (D-North Carolina) suggested, "Perhaps we can bribe one of those Third World nations to take them in, in exchange for us giving them nuclear weapons."

When asked about violating the Constitutional rights of American citizens Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, attired in a smart designer pantsuit, replied, "If Bush can suspend the Constitution so can Congress. I speak for the Democratically controlled Congress, I'm the Speaker of the House. And I'm third in line for the Presidency. I could be President before Hillary!"

2007-08-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Lois Lane Says She's Having

Superman's Baby

(Metropolis) - Star newspaper reporter, Lois Lane, today reported on her own pregnancy. According to the Daily Planet, Lois is having a baby with her long time life partner, Superman, aka the Man of Steel, Clark Kent, etc.

Superman, who, disguised as a mild mannered reporter, is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, bend steel in his bare hands and, apparently, impregnate normal humans.

According to a spokesperson for Clark and Lois, "We are not revealing whether the superbaby is a boy or a girl though Superman did an ultrasound with his x-ray vision."

Lois Lane is originally from Minneapolis and Superman is an illegal immigrant from the planet Krypton.

The League for American Superheroes issued the statement, "We congratulate Superman on having a baby and on immigrating to America and assimilating. He's been here a long time, America is his home now. We just wish he would decide to become a U.S. citizen."

Superman could not be reached for comment as he was in the Middle East fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

2007-08-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

Oprah Accused Of

Money Laundering

(Chicago) - Super rich talk show host, Oprah Wimpy, today was accused of money laundering.

The accusation was published in the paparazzi newspaper, The National Inquisitor, based on a long investigation of 5 minutes. According to the paper's reporter, Tab Lloyd, "Oprah is definitely and knowingly involved in money laundering".

An Oprah spokesperson responded, "Yes, it's true. Oprah launders money. Several times a week she takes all her paper money and puts it in the washing machine (permanent press cycle). Then she puts it in the dryer for 30 minutes (low heat) and then irons each bill. Oprah likes her money clean and germ free."

Chicago District Attorney, Sue Quick, said, "No criminal charges will be filed."

A spokesperson for the Celebrity Psychiatric Assocation stated, "From her behavior in this matter we believe Oprah may suffer from a mild obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) which makes her launder her money. This is harmless, provided she uses no bleach."

2007-07-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Tooth Fairy Arrested

In Body Parts Scandal

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, today arrested the Tooth Fairy in Baltimore, Maryland on charges of breaking and entering and illegally trafficking in body parts.

He is also charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors, allegedly paying cash to children ages 2-8 to obtain a certain no longer needed body part.

A search warrant was issued for the Tooth Fairy's castle, where authorities found billions of small white teeth stacked from floor to ceiling in the basement of the residence. The Centers For Disease Control were called to examined the teeth and no hazardous or infectious diseases were found. Documents were found at the scene that revealed a long history of breaking and entering and illegal trafficking in body parts, dating back hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years. No kiddie porn was found on the Tooth Fairy's computer though authorities discoved an autobiography entitled, "Tooth; I May be A Fairy But I'm Not Gay".

The Tooth Fairy was arrested, booked, arraigned, pleaded Not Guilty, and was released on $125,000 bail. A hearing has been scheduled for next month where the Tooth Fairy is expected to undergo a court ordered psychiatric evaluation.

Millions of young toothless children throughout the world woke up today brokenhearted to find their tooth still under their pillow and no money. Not to worry, if convicted, the Tooth Fairy is expected to be immediately pardoned by the President.

2007-07-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

Illegal Immigrant Wins

$100 Million Lottery

(Los Angeles) - Admitted illegal immigrant, Jose Juan Jesus Jimenez, also known as 4-J, has hit the jackpot in America, winning $100 million in the 13-state Big-Balls lottery.

Jose, a day worker who, 7 days a week, stands outside a large home improvement supplies warehouse in Los Angeles waiting for someone to hire him, says he came to the U.S. 18 months ago with no papers, no education, no skills and no money. He has been living with 6 other families in a rented 2-bedroom house and speaks little English. Now, he's rich.

Speaking through an interpreter, Jose says, "I came here, illegally, 18 months ago, with nada. Now, I am rich. Now, I bring my whole family from Mexico to live in America; mother, father, wife, 5 children, 16 uncles, 11 aunts, 8 brothers, 5 sisters and 147 cousins. I buy big house. I am very happy. America is good place. Muchos gracias, Senor Bush!"

Illegal immigrants in the United States are allowed to play and win U.S. lotteries. As a result, Jose Juan Jesus Jimenez will receive a cash payout of $65 million.

When asked if he wants to become a U.S. citizen, Jose replied, via interpretor, "Why would I want to do that? My allegiance is to Mexico; I just came here to work. Besides, as an illegal, I now have more money and more rights in your country than you do as an American citizen."

Welcome to America.

2007-07-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas Tops Heaven

As Ultimate Destination

(Las Vegas) - A new report by the Las Vegas Visitors Board shows that more people go to Las Vegas than go to Heaven.

More than 40 million people a year go to Las Vegas. Far fewer go to Heaven.

Las Vegas is a very popular destination for people in the U.S. and other countries. "There's a lot to do in Vegas," say Simon and Sandy Sinner, a married couple from Burbank, California. "It has everything a Sinner could want. Plus, Las Vegas is very exciting. Heaven sounds kinda boring".

A spokesperson for the Las Vegas Don't Ask/Don't Tell Associaton states, "Vegas has gambling, slot machines, fabulous shows, showgirls, sporting events, shopping, buffets galore, garish hotel rooms, lots of neon and nightlife, and lots of strippers and hookers. Las Vegas means fun! You can do anything you want here and no one will know; what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

It's the ultimate playground for adults. Maybe that's why Las Vegas is the world's #1 destination.

Heaven, on the other hand, offers only eternal bliss.

2007-07-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

World To End

On Monday

official doomsday clock

(Las Vegas) - According to well known Las Vegas odds maker, Ivantu Gamble, the world will end on Monday.

"All the signs are there for the end of the human race," says Ivantu. "Global warming, fossil fuel depletion, war, real estate overdevelopment, environmental disasters, gluttony, greed, cigarette smoking, drugs, celebrity DUI's, genocide, war, $400 haircuts, overspending by Congress, and breast implants (OK, maybe not breast implants).

When asked why the world will end on Monday as opposed to another day of the week, Gamble responded, "I calculated it based on astrology, numerology, archeology, psychology, theology and proctology. Then I flipped a coin".

A spokesperson for the 4-Day Workweek Assn said, "Nobody likes to go to work on Monday. If the world is going to end on Monday you wouldn't have to bother to go to work on Monday; you could take Monday off and make it a long weekend."

The odds of the world ending on a Monday are 1 in 7.

2007-07-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Actor Sean Penn

Buys Cuba

(Havana) - Hollywood actor and outspoken activist, Sean Penn, today announced he is buying Cuba, the communist island nation 90 miles off the U.S. coast of Florida.

The purchase price, which has not been disclosed, includes all of Cuba's sugar cane plantations, cigar manufacturing and health care system (featured in Michael Moore's documentary, SICKO). The deal does not include Guantanamo Bay, the offshore U.S. detention center in Cuba where suspected terrorists and other assorted suspects are imprisoned without Constitutional rights or due process.

The long time ruler of Cuba, communist dictator Fidel Castro, thanked Mr. Penn for the money Castro got for selling his country saying, "Muchos gracias. The people of Cuba thank you, even though they won't see a dime".

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's billionaire dictator and new "Penn pal", said he introduced Penn and Castro, was thrilled about the Cuba deal, and hoped to get a finder's fee.

A spokesperson for Sean Penn stated, "Sean Penn is a great American actor who owes all his success to being an American but is too stupid to realize it. Instead of being grateful to capitalism, which made him rich and famous, he thinks like a communist and talks like a communist so, if you're Sean Penn, buying a communist country makes perfect sense".

Mr. Penn plans on keeping Cuba communist and plans on keeping Castro in power, even after Fidel is dead. Penn also plans to redevelop Havana and build multi-million dollar vacation homes to sell to his Hollywood cronies and other limousine liberals, all of whom follow the rule, "think like the poor, live like the rich".

2007-07-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

U.S. Men Prefer Bikinis

To Wedding Dresses

In a recent poll of 100,000 U.S. males a surprising number of men revealed that they found women wearing bikinis more sexually attractive than women wearing wedding gowns.

In the poll, taken by the Horsh-It Foundation, over 95% of the men surveyed between the ages of 12 and 92 preferred bikinis over wedding dresses. The other 5% were gay. The survey included a statistical cross section of U.S. males in all age categories, income brackets, marital status, level of education and geographic areas.

A spokesperson for a prominent women's rights group, dating back to the 1960's, stated, "Dogs. Men are dogs."

In response, a spokesperson for the U.S. Testosterone Assn replied, "Woof."

2007-07-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hottie Shows Boobs

At Mall, Gets Arrested

A hot, beautiful, busty 20-year-old Swedish female pop singer was arrested today by mall police for flashing her boobs in the Glendale Galleria, located in Glendale, California, a suburb of Los Angeles.

Ivana Flashem was charged with a misdemeanor for allegedly exposing her breasts in front of a record store in the mall to promote her newly released CD, "Nips Don't Lie".

Bail was set at $1,000 and was immediately paid by a group of male senior citizens who happened to be at the mall and happily witnessed the crime.

2007-07-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

U.N. Troops Sent

To Wrong Place

(New York) - In a major logistical error 26,000 U.N. peacekeeping troops, instead of being deployed to the African region of Darfur, were sent to a local golf course in nearby Queens, New York.

The chief U.N. deployment officer, in admitting the error, said he was verbally told to send troops immediately to Darfur. "I thought they said 'par four' and the nearest par four is at a public golf course in the nearby NY borough of Queens."

Deployed to the public golf course in Queens, the 26,000 U.N. troops played 18 holes, declared the peacekeeping mission a success, and went home.

2007-07-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Satan Hires Hollywood

Publicist

(Hollywood) - High powered Hollywood publicist, Lotta Crappe, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Satan, aka the devil, Beezlebub, the Prince of Darkness.

Satan recently fired his long time publicist, the Vatican, for not getting him enough publicity.

Crappe said, "I am pleased to represent the devil and speak with forked tongue. We have lots of plans for Satan, including a book deal, movie deals, talk show appearances and possibly a game show. And we plan to put the devil back in religion. You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more about Satan. He's back!"

In addition to Satan, the Crappe PR firm also represents a lot of famous bad boys and girls in Hollywood. The PR firm's motto is, "You sin, we spin".

Satan could not be reached for comment as he is currently on tour in the Middle East but will be back in time for the 2008 U.S. election.

2007-07-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Satan Fires Publicist

(Hell) - In a surprise move, Satan, aka the devil, Beezlebub, the Prince of Darkness, today fired his long time publicist, the Vatican.

Satan cited a difference of opinion and non-performance as the reasons for the parting.

In a letter, written in blood, Satan stated, "Though the Vatican has been my publicist for the past 2,000 years, it's time for a change. The Vatican has failed to get me proper publicity for causing any of the ills and evils of the modern world. I received no credit for the Iraq war, global warming, Usama Bin Laden, celebrity bad behavior, HMO's, gas prices, the current U.S. Congress and the Catholic priest sexual predator scandal. Proper blame was not given unto me. In fact, I haven't been getting any good publicity since the 19th century. Mortals have forgotten I even exist. I will not be ignored."

Satan is expected to replace the Vatican with a Hollywood publicist.

Satan Hires Hollywood Publicist

2007-07-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

Time Outs Ruled

Unconstitutional

(San Francisco) - The ultra-liberal 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that time outs for children are unconstitutional and constitute abusive, cruel and unusual punishment.

A time out is where a child is punished for bad behavior by being told by a parent to stand or sit quietly for a few minutes.

In a 9-0 decision, the court ruled in favor of 12-year-old Lill Bratt, who sued her parents for unfair punishment; they gave her a 2-minute time out for trying to stuff her 8-year-old brother's head into the garbage disposal.

In the ruling the court cited no precedents, no cases and no existing law. A statement issued by the court said, "We're judges. We don't have to follow the law, we can just make it up! Plus, we think that the courts should decide how parents raise their children. And we also think that kids should have more rights than adults and should be allowed to run wild and do whatever they damn well please."

In opposition, a spokesperson for the American Society For Proper Parenting stated, "Judges today are making too many wrong and stupid rulings. What they need is a time out!"

2007-07-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

Chocolate Now

A Vitamin

(Washington) - The FDA today announced that it has reclassified chocolate as a vitamin.

A spokesperson for the Food and Druggie Administration further clarified, "All chocolate, in all forms, has been reclassified as a vitamin. Dark chocolate, light chocolate, white chocolate, milk chocolate, mocha, cocoa, chocolate covered cherries, chocolate cake, fudge brownies, Hershey's kisses, chocolate bars, chocolate chip cookies ... anything with chocolate in it ... is now a vitamin."

Women throughout the U.S. were thrilled with the new classification. One women at the Mall of America, in Minnesota, screamed, "Wow! This is terrific news for me, I'm a choc-o-holic! Excuse me, I got to go take my vitamins!"

Health care professionals and nutritionists were a bit perplexed by the government's reclassification while a spokesperson for the Binge-On-Chocolate Association, Lotta Pounds, proclaimed, "We're thrilled! Excuse me, I gotta go stuff myself with chocolate ice cream vitamins."

Pharmacies and drug stores across the nation were also thrilled and scrambled to move all chocolate items from the candy section to the vitamin section.

On the downside, now that chocolate is officially a vitamin, consumers should expect to pay substantially higher prices for the product.

Welcome to America.

2007-07-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Good News For

Overweight Americans

(Washington) - With 60% of the American public being overweight the Federal Bureau of Weights and Standards today announced that federal policies and standards will be adapted to accommodate overweight and obese men, women and children in the U.S.

According to the new mandates of the Bureau of Weights And Standards, as of 2010 ...

All bathroom scales in the U.S. will have to register up to 500 pounds.

All public and government toilet seats will be enlarged to accommodate the larger tush of the overweight and obese.

Automotive seat belts will be lengthened by 18 inches to accommodate wider girths while air bags will be discontinued due to the natural extra padding of the now fatter drivers and passengers.

In the clothing area, sizes will be changed to reflect the larger, wider and heavier American. XL and XXL will be relabeled as "medium".

In the food sector, U.S. portion size will reflect heartier appetites. All large, huge and supersize portions will be called "regular" and all high-calorie desserts will be known as "after dinner mints". Chocolate will be reclassified as a vitamin.

A spokesperson for the American Society For The Overweight and Obese called the new federal mandates, "Yummy".

2007-07-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

Elvis Sighted At Home Depot

(Memphis) - The King of Rock & Roll was spotted at a Home Depot outside of Memphis, Tennessee today, 30 years after his reported death.

According to witnesses Elvis looked pretty good for a 72-year-old rock star. His hair style was the same though one woman thought it might be a toupee and also thought that Elvis had some work done on his face. Cindi Sue Bollocks commented, "Elvis definitely had some botox, had his eyes done, and maybe had his sexy sneer lifted."

While at the Home Depot, Mr. Presley bought some dry wall, wood flooring, crown moulding, disco lights and mirrors for a new ceiling. He was obviously undertaking a home renovation project. When asked where he was staying while renovating his home, Elvis swiveled his hips and replied, "Down at the end of Lonely Street ... at Heartbreak Hotel."

2007-07-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden Wins

Harvard Peace Prize

(Boston) - Terrorist Osama Bin Laden today was awarded the prestigious Harvard Peace Prize for not attacking the United States in the previous year.

The Committee for the Harvard Peace Prize (not affiliated with Harvard University) issued the statement, "We commend the world's #1 terrorist for his lack of effort in trying to blow up the U.S. and for his wilderness survival skills.

As the leader of the worldwide terrorist group, Al Qaeda, the highly educated and highly rich Bin Laden is known for his low-profile management style and deep commitment to his religious and political values, including jihad and the blowing up of innocent women and children.

He is also the most slippery character in the world, evading every effort to capture or kill him. Bounty hunter, Dwayne "Dawg" Chapman, on the Larry King show, remarked, "He's got a huge bounty on his head. As soon as my hit TV show is over I may have to go after his punk ass".

The Harvard Peace Prize consists of one million dollars cash, a one million dollar term life insurance policy, an I-phone with 1-year of free international service, a trip to DisneyWorld and the choice of either a new Cadillac Escalade or a donkey.

In a videotaped acceptance speech, filmed in an unknown, remote location, Bin Laden thanked the Harvard Peace Prize Committee and thanked the Bush Administration for letting him escape after 9/11 and for not making any effort to hunt him down for the past 6 years.

2007-07-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

Man Claims He's Never

Had A Starbucks!

(Los Angeles) - An American has claimed he has never had a Starbucks coffee in his entire life. Not even a sip. The incredible claim comes from Andrew Lawrence, a normal, college educated baby boomer who grew up in New York and has resided in Los Angeles for 20 years. He is a blog writer and is also a contributor to thespoof.com.

"What can I say?" states Mr. Lawrence, "I do drink coffee; I like Folger's instant coffee and have no interest in fancy schmancy overpriced coffee that has enough caffeine in it to launch a rocket ship."

Millions of coffee drinkers across the U.S. were shocked to learn of the existence of someone who has never had a Starbucks. One Seattle denizen remarked, "I don't believe it. How else would someone get the boost they need to go to work and then, most importantly, stay awake at work? It's impossible to do it without tanking up on Starbucks."

Nonetheless, Andrew Lawrence stands by his claim. He's even willing to take a polygraph.

He further claims that he plans on continuing his no-Starbucks lifestyle and, in another even more incredible claim, states that he owns a cell phone ... but has never sent a text message!