Saturday

L.A. bans cars


In an effort to alleviate the worst traffic congestion in the nation, Los Angeles Mayor, Eric CarSeaty, today signed into law a ban on all cars on L.A.'s 400 square miles of freeways and streets. The "no car" law takes effect immediately and violators will be arrested and jailed.

Los Angeles has a horrific traffic problem, with drivers often sitting on L.A. freeways for hours and going nowhere. Commuter Jocko Strap says, "Sometimes an 8-mile drive takes an hour, due to traffic. That's 8 miles an hour. On the freeway. That sucks."

In a press conference held under the world-famous Hollywood Sign, Mayor CarSeaty said, "Cars are now banned in L.A. We have plenty of bicycle lanes and broken sidewalks. Use them".

The only exception to the "no car" law is limousines, which will continue to be allowed to carry the rich and famous to their desired destinations. Hollywood liberals support this exception. One 14-year-old multi-millionaire female Hollywood film star, Ima Bratt, said, "We shouldn't have to sit in traffic, in our chauffer-driven limousines, for hours. We are important people and have important places to go and important people to see. We are movie stars - and we don't want to sit in traffic!" Of course, at 14, she also can't drive yet.

California's extremist environmentalists also agree that cars need to be banned in California. In a statement by the state's Environmental Protesting Agency, Director M. Crazee stated, "Cars are ruining California. Cars - and drivers - cause global warming, air pollution, earthquakes, drought, poverty, obesity, human trafficking, and erectile dysfunction. The Los Angeles "no car" law is a good first step. Cars in California must be eliminated. Drivers must be punished."

In the first enforcement of the "no car" law, police arrested Manuel Transmission, for driving his 1986 Toyota Crapola on Hollywood Boulevard during rush hour. According to police, Mr. Transmission had no license, no registration, no address and spoke no English. His legal residency status was not questioned, as per local and federal law enforcement practices. His car was impounded and then immediately released under the imaginary Illegal Immigrants Rights Act. Manuel Transmission was later released, with sincere apologies from the L.A. city council for singling out illegal border crossers and being racist and anti-immigration.

L.A. plans to hire tens of thousands of new government workers to implement the "no car" law. A new local governmental agency has already been created. It is named the Department of Urban Motor Behavior (D.U.M.B.). In addition to their high salaries, D.U.M.B. workers, as part of their benefit package, will be chauffeured to and from work, at taxpayer expense, and thus will be exempt under the "no car" law.

As a result of the new "no car" law, millions of educated upscale Los Angeles residents are expected to flee California and relocate, with all their money, and their cars, to other states or other countries.