Paris Hilton

Reported Missing

(Hollywood) - Peeple Magazine today announced it has filed a missing persons report with the Los Angeles Police Dept regarding the whereabouts of Paris Hilton. Ms. Hilton has mysteriously disappeared from the Hollywood scene and has not been seen by the paparazzi or tabloids for over a month.

A spokesperson for the National Inquisitor newspaper lamented, "Without Paris Hilton we're not selling enough papers. Without Paris we could go broke. Britney is not enough, we need Paris!"

Where is Paris Hilton?

Tabloid reporters speculate that, among the possibilities, she is shacked up with a new boytoy, she's in rehab in Rwanda, she got a job as a waitress at the International House of Pancakes or, perish the thought, she grew up and now shuns the limelight.

Her PR person, Emma "Speedy" Spinner, could not be reached for comment as Ms. Spinner is in Las Vegas helping David Copperfield perform magic tricks, such as keeping him out of jail.

The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright 2007 Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission and, preferably, a big fat payment. Contact