Supreme Court

Kicks Legal Butt

(Washington) - The U.S. Supreme Court today ruled 5-4 to institute the Golden Rule, with Chief Justice Roberts stating that it's about time convicted criminals receive a punishment that fits the crime.

The Golden Rule states, "do unto other as you would have them do unto you". The Supreme Court has interpreted the Golden Rule as legally binding common law and also concludes that if a person commits a serious crime on another or others (do unto others) the perpetrator must expect a punishment equal to the crime (as you would have them do unto you).

This means, for instance, that if someone is convicted of murdering another person, the murderer will be killed by the state, in the same manner as the method of murder i.e. gunshot, knife, blugeoning, poisoned, strangled, smothered, beaten, run over, pushed down the stairs or off a building, etc. Those convicted of rape, assault or child molestation will be kicked in the nuts to within an inch of their lives. People seen crossing the border illegally will be shot on sight and celebrities convicted of DUI will be forced to perform 40 hours of community service as a crash dummy.

The court also ruled that, after conviction of any felony, the appeals process must be started within 7 days and finished within 7 days. Thus, prisoners under death sentences, upon losing their appeal, will be executed within 15 days, not 15 years.

In its new rulings on crime and punishment the Supreme Court cited cases from the Old Testament such as Sodom v. Gomorrah (an eye for an eye) and Noah v. Dr Smiley (a tooth for a tooth).

In response to the Supreme Court kicking legal butt, the ultra-liberal ACLU could not be reached for comment as they were too stunned to speak, realizing they can't sue, as no other court can overturn a Supreme Court ruling.

The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

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