Good News For

Overweight Americans

(Washington) - With 60% of the American public being overweight the Federal Bureau of Weights and Standards today announced that federal policies and standards will be adapted to accommodate overweight and obese men, women and children in the U.S.

According to the new mandates of the Bureau of Weights And Standards, as of 2010 ...

All bathroom scales in the U.S. will have to register up to 500 pounds.

All public and government toilet seats will be enlarged to accommodate the larger tush of the overweight and obese.

Automotive seat belts will be lengthened by 18 inches to accommodate wider girths while air bags will be discontinued due to the natural extra padding of the now fatter drivers and passengers.

In the clothing area, sizes will be changed to reflect the larger, wider and heavier American. XL and XXL will be relabeled as "medium".

In the food sector, U.S. portion size will reflect heartier appetites. All large, huge and supersize portions will be called "regular" and all high-calorie desserts will be known as "after dinner mints". Chocolate will be reclassified as a vitamin.

A spokesperson for the American Society For The Overweight and Obese called the new federal mandates, "Yummy".

The above headline and story is not true. It was made up, by the author, solely as comedy, with no intent to harm or offend. Any of it which turns out to be true, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental ... and would be even funnier.

copyright Andrew Lawrence. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission.